Paying Your Way with Hugs and Kisses

[mrdreamjeans]

A few days ago gotmoof (Tim) and I were chatting about being guys who take responsibility for our lives; we were talking about my debt reduction plan, his home renovations, about paying bills. We agreed that taking charge, following the rules and being the only one we count on in these matters was hard at times. Wouldn’t it be nice (and much simpler), we laughed, if we just had someone to take care of us? Tim jokingly said that he was going to put his name in the lottery for a sugar daddy. I facetiously replied that the only way I was going to be taken care of was if I was remembered in someone’s Will. Ha!

Kidding aside, I’ve never been someone to be taken care of in a relationship; well, maybe emotionally, but never financially. It wouldn’t even occur to me to rely on someone else to pay my way, even when I was a 20-something. I expect(ed) to earn a living and pay my bills and I have had the same expectations for the person I am dating or with whom I’m in a relationship. I expect honesty and integrity, a willingness to take financial responsibility from the the guy with whom I’m involved. I’m willing to help that person make their dreams come true, to go out of my way to help them set goals and create a plan of action that might result in a good job or a better life, but I'm not his personal banker.

If my partner needed my help or there were temporary career setbacks or health challenges where I had to step up to the plate, I’d be there in a heartbeat! I am generous with my time and resources. I’m not speaking about the ebb and flow of healthy relationships, but to the topic of sycophants. I’m addressing the kinds of people who pay their way only with hugs and kisses, with sex and fleeting charm ... the Peter Pans who won’t grow up ... the duplicitous folks who spend more time and effort using other people, than it would take if they just earned a living or worked hard in support of someone else. I don’t think this type of person is as prevalent as once was, even in the older man/ younger man model of earlier decades, but I do think he/she exists and I deplore the behavior when I see it.

Does the “sugar daddy” still exist? (I make a distinction between the terms “sugar daddy” and “daddy”. I believe the terms describe two very different types of men.) Have you ever looked back and realized, in hindsight, that you were taking care of someone, paying all of the bills, the only one reaching for their wallet on every occasion, having been blinded by hugs and kisses? Is it a welcome enough trade-off ... your physical needs satisfied for being the guy to pay someone else’s way? I have a wealthy 80-year old friend with a 45-year old lover. They've been together 15 years. The younger man has never been with any other man. Initially we were all horrified, blaming the younger guy for being a user. But in the ensuing years, I've never seen anyone work harder than he in terms of making their home. He does all of the physical labor around their multiple properties. Perhaps, my older friend who foots the bills, is wiser than me.

I don’t have judgment if both people have their eyes wide open, but I do know what works for me. I will continue to work and save, to pay my debts off on my own, to earn my way in life, hopefully attracting the same kind of men as I have in the past. (I've been lucky.) I’m willing to wait. A thought just occurred to me... I’m not and will never be a sugar daddy.... but maybe it’s just possible to be a daddy with a little sugar on the side... that’s it... I’ll take my hugs and kisses on the side in a balanced and loving relationship. You hear that dating Gods?!?! HA! Till then, I'm the one working his ass off to get ahead:)

Comments

[bearfuz.livejournal.com]

Not to glamorize or apologize for the Sugar Daddy dynamic, but I do think that sometimes we are quick to make assumptions based on what we see on the surface. As with the couple you described, the younger man may have initially appeared to be a sycophant, but it turned out that he was investing a lot of time and energy in maintaining their home(s).

Traditional sex-discordant marriage (I enjoy that term, as nasty as it is) used to specify that only one of the partners worked outside the home and the other one was to stay home and take care of it. Sure, there were often also offspring to take care of as well, but not always. Would we have characterized a woman in such a relationship as a golddigger? Well, maybe if she was very young and he was rich and old. So, on the surface, that which people saw and criticized was nearly always about the age difference, since they wouldn't have had the opportunity to look deeper and see how the young woman pulled her weight in the household or the relationship.

I was partnered with a man 27 years my senior. Tyler and I fell head over heels for each other, but when I first moved in with him in Palm Springs, I'm sure it looked for all the world as if I was a golddigger (though he wasn't particularly rich). I have to say I felt much better about my part in the relationship after I got a job with the Les Misérables tour, even though it meant that we would spend significant amounts of time apart. But when he'd come out to the tour and visit me for, say, a month in Philadelphia or Detroit, it was nice to be the one who was paying for the hotel room.

Initially I didn't think much about what it must have looked like to, say, his friends, those who had known him much longer than I had. When Tyler passed away not quite four years into our relationship, only then did I begin to wonder what the whole thing might have looked like to those who might have snarked. I haven't particularly let it bother me, though. In any case, I'm certainly not one to judge May-December relationships, unless there is actual exploitation going on, which I'm not always in a position to judge.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I believe there can be very successful relationships where there is a great difference in age, but there are a lot of issues to address and overcome. Those of us outside of a particular relationship, examining it as friends will do, don't always get an accurate portrayal of what's happening inside the pairing. With longevity of the coupling, it often becomes clearer.

In the example of my friends in Palm Springs, the older gentleman does use his money as a controlling factor, as a tool to keep the younger one's companionship; but the unexpected happened, the younger guy truly cares about him and has evolved from a diamond in the rough. The elder has almost been a teacher of life to him. Theirs is a relationship which will last...

My friends' relationship wouldn't work for me, but I have been the younger partner in a relationshp. David was 11 years older than me. In the second, Tim was 19 years younger than me. I believe they were both healthy, successful relationships built on mutual respect and I cherish both men. I hope to find the same... hopefully, lightning will strike again and bring me someone wonderful:)