Reminder to Self!

[mrdreamjeans]

I just broke one of my own rules and got involved in a bit of online drama. I know that my friends are not perfect, that it is not reasonable to expect everyone to like each other, nor is it reasonable to think that everyone will like me. But I have a hard time when people use this site to spread their drama around and attack someone for whom I care ... particularly when it is is over silly, petty chat room stuff.

I've been very positive about how I use my journal. In most cases I've "friended" folks who have friended me or I've asked permission to "friend" someone if I like what they have to say or how they write. Many of the men and women on my friends list or who have friended me don't often post. But I look forward to when they do and really appreciate it when folks take time to read my scribblings.

There are times when I silently disagree with posts ... about politics, religious attitudes or how someone handled a situation; sometimes I comment, at times I skip over the parts I don't like, but I continue to include them on my list. I figure they have something to say and I'm never too old to learn or be enlightened. I am not always right, though usually decisive ... even if I'm wrong, I'm decisively wrong.

However, I took someone off my friends list today. The trigger was a disagreement he was having on another website which he brought over to LiveJournal. I didn't take him off the list because he was being critical of someone close to me, but because I simply thought.... this person has never responded to anything I write, his posts are often bitter or negative, mostly unsubstantive and when he attempts humor, it usually passes me by.

This person, who I do not personally know, is entirely entitled to his opinions and to write whatever he wants, but you know what... I don't have to read it. This may seem foolish to some of my friends on LJ ... for me to take the time to agonize over de-friending someone, but it's the first time I've done it. However, it's necessary. I want more time to focus on the people from whom I learn ... for whom I have affection and respect. AND - let me emphasize, this does not mean that I don't want to hear about tough or sad times, or about health or family issues.... I do, but it's called developing a dialogue and coming from a place of authenticity.

SO - Note to self.... SELF! Remember to use livejournal to chronicle your life ... and not as a substitute for life! Use it to enrich, not demean. Allow everyone who you choose to call "friend" to fully be themselves, but be selective/objective so that you have the time to read and respond to those who bring you joy, who educate, who entertain, who are genuine, who you would be happy to call friend in real life not just the virtual medium .... to focus on those who honor and admire the power of the written word! Remember, MrDreamJeans, to keep the drama onstage and off-site:)!

Comments

[everythingbox.livejournal.com]

A wise friend of mine noted, drama requires an audience. If two people are having a disagreement, it's their issue, when they raise the curtain and involve even one more person, it's drama.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Excellent Point! I hear you:)

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had to defriend someone. I've so far had not had to do that, but have been defriended, if not banned by 2-3 people. Why, I have no idea so don't know if I offended them or what. Be that as it may, some people obviously aren't worth it because of their petty dramas, demeaning behaviour etc.

I do think you come across as a man of integrity and honesty, which in many cases seems all too rare and I admire that. I strive for that quality as well.

As you say, "I know my friends are not perfect". Amen, non of us are and to recognize that is key to a successful interaction I think. I know I'm not perfect, far from it in fact, but I plug along and if I offend, I would hope I am told what I did so I don't do it again (hopefully).

What I do dislike is when you are dumped, defriended or banned with no reason as to why and if it's crossing a line or what have you. I have no way of knowing if it's something to fix or not.

Anyway, I'm glad to have you as an LJ friend and hope to meet you, preferably when Evita comes to either Spokane or Portland.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Keep striving for quality in your interactions with people, John. I've noticed that you've relaxed and changed in just the year that I've read your posts. I don't know why you were defriended before, but perhaps the people were uncomfortable with the level of attention you were giving them. None of is entirely sensitive to how we come across all of the time, so maybe you weren't being perceived, or your comments not coming across as you intended them. I know I'm speculating, but that might be something to think about as you move forward. Thanks for the compliment about my integrity. I always aspire.

[bearchitect.livejournal.com]

I agree with you, Neil.

[pagerbear.livejournal.com]

I agree with Fernando.

[tbone1961.livejournal.com]

Wow. This seems to be the topic of discussion this week. Namely the whole drama thingy.

I've gone back and defriended a few only because of the lack of interaction, on either of our parts. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And I agree with the first caller. Let individuals resolve their own issues without involving others.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

A bit of context... I've never been one to spend much time online. I used to appear infrequently in AOL chat rooms, but that was early on before folks stopped chatting in them:) Because I was touring, I used them to ask people what there was to do in their cities, places to go out or to go dancing. I seldom used them as a source for hookups. Over the course of four years, there were about 8 people who I chatted with frequently ; I was fortunate because of the travel to meet all of them. They remain in my life as good acquaintances and or close friends.

I've never been on ICR, bear411, ICU, gay.com or any of the other such sites... and I've not been a member of any clubs or organizations, Gay or Straight; so I'm not used to socializing in communities. When I was introduced to LiveJournal, I felt like I had hit the jackpot; it's a place where I feel comfortable and have a sense of belonging. So, when it came down to making a decision to edit my list..albeit by one... I really had to look at what I want to do with my time when I'm on my favorite (and only) site:) Geez, just think...if it wasn't for this site, I wouldn't get to know about your wonderful and complicated life...and there would be one less trombone player on my friends list:)!

[crispan.livejournal.com]

Although it's sometimes hard telling yourself that you don't really want to have this person in your life at all, it's sometimes the best thing to do. I think you are the only one who knows what is best for you, and you did something about cutting out the negative in your life. And the fact that he/she never responded to a single thing you said, says that either he/she wasn't really reading you anyway, or that didn't deem your posts necessary to comment upon. Thereby cutting them out from something they were not taking the time to be in in the first place shouldn't be viewed as a loss. But rather as cleaning up unused icons.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

A healthy perspective! It really was about the lack of interaction; no reason for this person to be on the list.

[crunchmd.livejournal.com]

I've de-friended people for far lesser sins. But that's just me. ;-)

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Don't even think about de-friending me:)! I read every one of your theater and political posts and I know you personally and like you! So you'll just have to remain on my friends list and in my life:)

[gotmoof.livejournal.com]

Very nicely said.

And of course, I would have smacked you if I had known you were going to get involved.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

OF course I know you mean "smacked" as in a kiss of thanks on the cheek:)

[dr-scott.livejournal.com]

There's only so much time in the day, and if reading someone seems to be a net negative -- you're not educated, inspired, or sympathetic enough to make up for the time spent and suffering vicariously incurred -- you shouldn't have them on your "friends" list. It's nothing personal, and it's not them, it's you -- may they find the audience for their drama elsewhere. :-)

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I know about audiences:) Btw, I really enjoyed your post the other night about the house and the changes in your personal life. It made me happy to read it, so I'm sure you're happy to be living it! LOL! Could you add a mother-in-law apartment to your future housing specs? I really would like a comfortable place to stay when I visit ya'll... HUGS!

[trulygrateful.livejournal.com]

It's rather funny, but in this relatively new world of technoage keeping in touch via livejournal, there are some basic ground rules which have never (and seem rather difficult) to initiate, less formulate - one of these being what constitutes a "friend" on LJ.

I would like to see an "Acquaintance" list, as well as a "Friend" list - to allow the distinction between the two. There are those which I may have known of for quite some time, yet feel nowhere near as close to them as, say someone I may have just met last week but have spent much more time sharing stories, etc.

I know many people and, for awhile, was wondering if people were boycotting me becuase they're weren't replying. I realised a couple simple truths:

a) That my posts are generally boring (and that's IN my profile) and do not require a response; and/or
b) Someone else's material just ranks higher in priority within the ten minutes allotted for the daily LJ review (and I realise some people have a HUGE LJ friends list, too).

Another potential factor - let's face it, I'm in NYC and many people I know aren't - so I'm not involved with them on a day-to-day basis, or even month-to-month, but rather the occasional square dance convention (which BTW will NOT be happening for moi this year) or some other thing. When we're together it's great, but other than that, there's not really much more.

I feel much closer to you, Neil, after one night of dinner at that Mexican restaurant, along with that nice little walk uptown we had - than I do with others - simply becuase I hardly, if ever, hear from them - even on LJ.

Have I considered de-friending anyone? No... but most of this (I know) is in my mind, too.

I look at people's LJ posts like television shows - if I don't like something, I just turn the channel (or in this case just keep scrolling).

Scrolling, scrolling, scrollilng....

(fuzzygruf now THERE's a t-shirt fer ya! LOL

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

"scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.... (I'm sure you had the tune to Rawhide in mind when you wrote this:) I really enjoyed meeting you in NYC and getting to know the furry bundle of energy that is John_NYC.. and your equally dynamic partner Chip. I do read everything you both write and I answer if I have something to contribute (you lose me on the tech jargon:).

I've met several men on my friends list now and have been truly rewarded by making their acquaintance. I am looking forward to developing real friendships with them. I guess this post is the sound of my idealism thudding to the ground. I've been on the site long enough to know the reality and I still aspire to a higher standard of use. Hope to see you this year!

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Ummm... What did you say? I couldn't hear you because I was loudly singing along with Josh ..."When I am down and oh my soul so weary and troubles come and my heart burdened be...." The next thing you're going to tell me is that you don't like Clay Aiken either...philistine....hehehe....

Sad (teasing) that you don't appreciate the sentiment..."You raise me up", as having you as a friend always lifts my spirits:)

[ricksf.livejournal.com]

Hmm, maybe I need to add an item to my "Life Lessons" post:

- Live Journal is what you want it to be. Friending or De-Friending someone is YOUR option. It's not a personal condemnation.

[use2bshy.livejournal.com]

Hi there, I ran across you journal a couple weeks ago and enjoyed it so I did add you, hope you didn't mind.

Anyway, LOVED THIS!!

"keep the drama onstage and off-site:)! "

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm glad you included me on your list.

[bruinwi.livejournal.com]

It's me, isn't it? Not that I feel persecuted or paranoid or anything... but it IS me, isn't it?

...and if it IS me, this won't show, because I've been "de-friended". Damn.

If it DOES show, then it's NOT me.

Oh.

Never mind. =o)

[gotmoof.livejournal.com]

That sounds like something from "Bear With Me".

[mncuddlecub.livejournal.com]

Wow, many responses! I guess this subject brought in alot of attention. I think you were right in taking that person off your list for the reasons you said. I did the same to someone on my list for very similar reasons, so I get where you are coming from.

Hey do me a favor, and let me know if I'm ever bringing the wrong kind of drama to my journal, I'll let you know if I see it in yours :o)

**CubHugs**

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I would not ever censor you in anyway. I like all of your musings, all of the figuring things out, even when I'm like a big brother and just want you to make a decision:) You're one of the good guys, Keith. As I said, we'll just have to remember to keep our drama onstage and off-site! Hugs!