Split Space-a-nality
Jul. 2nd, 2004 06:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mrdreamjeansI’ve only been home from Boston for a couple of days and my ongoing conflict between needing “space” and savoring the benefits of an urban environment is making me restless. I’ve lived with this split my entire adult life.
As I look around my parents’ home where I’ve landed for a couple of months, I am happy with the comfort and tranquility, content to savor the gentle hills of the surrounding ranch land and the immense possibilities of the sky. As Tim (gotmoof) can tell you, we even have a skyful of stars to entrance the eye, a rare occurence in some of the bigger cities.
The neighbors’ cows have been giving birth at an astounding rate and cute little black calves with splashes of white on their faces are everywhere in the pastures, along with graceful Quarter horse foals cuddling next to their protective moms; a variety of birds have made a home at my folks’ home.
I like the space. I like the quiet. I like the lack of noisy and nosy neighbors. I like being around my family and to attend band concerts, church suppers and other small town social events. I am happy that rents, gas prices and other costs are low. I like personally knowing the auto mechanics at the car dealership, my doctor and the ladies who volunteer at the local art league. I like the lack of traffic and the guilty pleasure of grumbling at the 80 year old driving 45 in a 70 mph zone. Sometimes I even enjoy being an invisible fish in a smaller pond. But then the itch begins.....
I’ll be speaking on the phone with a friend in Seattle, Chicago or New York and they’ll have to head out the door to a dinner with friends, to a movie theatre or political event, to a concert or theatrical production, a night out dancing at a favorite club. I feel a familiar stirring, the desire to be in a place where I can readily participate, be close enough to join right in.
I like the idea of walking to work, the pleasure of eating out at a new restaurant on a whim. I like country dancing with my arms around someone special or attending a sporting event in the big city and rooting for the underdog. I’ll be watching the news and a friend will be announced for a role in a new play or musical and I’ll be wishing I was there, wishing that I could compete just for the joy of competition and the chance to strut my stuff.
I don’t like the isolation... that’s when open space becomes confining. I might be content if there was someone special to share the silence, as I’ve never been afraid to be alone. I grew up with small town values, but big city desires. I’m often split. I miss being able to put my talent out there. I miss the opportunity of a last minute date. I’m 70 miles from the nearest city and unfortunately, HGTV often wins over a 90-minute drive to visit friends or to party.
A friend from Detroit recently said that I was very good at looking forward to being home, but not good at being home. I create wonderful spaces, but was happiest leaving them. It gave me pause. I do love to travel... ever in search of new space. How can I be in nesting mode and ready to hit the road in the same breath? A conundrum....
I’ve taken a lot of criticism for my recent move back to Texas from friends around the country. I agree with most of their jabs at Texas. I don’t like the climate or the politics here either. I don’t like the people I come across who use living in a small town as an excuse for having a small mind; but they are rare.
I also don’t like over-reaching granola, PC politics...the me-first, bunker mentality of some city-dwellers I know. I can do without the attitude, thank you. I don't judge (or try my best not to). I am simply living my life as best as I can, far from perfect, but giving it my best shot.
I want to be around people whose minds are as spacious as the horizon, who are kind, generous and spiritual. I want to be around people who know and care about their neighbors; who respond to a crisis as a community, but also honor and respect your privacy. There are people like that right here deep in the heart of Smalltown, Texas.
I guess I’ll have to continue having a split space-a-nality, traveling the country in search of complete inner and outer landscapes. Who knows. Peace and happiness may be on the horizon. Wanna come along?
As I look around my parents’ home where I’ve landed for a couple of months, I am happy with the comfort and tranquility, content to savor the gentle hills of the surrounding ranch land and the immense possibilities of the sky. As Tim (gotmoof) can tell you, we even have a skyful of stars to entrance the eye, a rare occurence in some of the bigger cities.
The neighbors’ cows have been giving birth at an astounding rate and cute little black calves with splashes of white on their faces are everywhere in the pastures, along with graceful Quarter horse foals cuddling next to their protective moms; a variety of birds have made a home at my folks’ home.
I like the space. I like the quiet. I like the lack of noisy and nosy neighbors. I like being around my family and to attend band concerts, church suppers and other small town social events. I am happy that rents, gas prices and other costs are low. I like personally knowing the auto mechanics at the car dealership, my doctor and the ladies who volunteer at the local art league. I like the lack of traffic and the guilty pleasure of grumbling at the 80 year old driving 45 in a 70 mph zone. Sometimes I even enjoy being an invisible fish in a smaller pond. But then the itch begins.....
I’ll be speaking on the phone with a friend in Seattle, Chicago or New York and they’ll have to head out the door to a dinner with friends, to a movie theatre or political event, to a concert or theatrical production, a night out dancing at a favorite club. I feel a familiar stirring, the desire to be in a place where I can readily participate, be close enough to join right in.
I like the idea of walking to work, the pleasure of eating out at a new restaurant on a whim. I like country dancing with my arms around someone special or attending a sporting event in the big city and rooting for the underdog. I’ll be watching the news and a friend will be announced for a role in a new play or musical and I’ll be wishing I was there, wishing that I could compete just for the joy of competition and the chance to strut my stuff.
I don’t like the isolation... that’s when open space becomes confining. I might be content if there was someone special to share the silence, as I’ve never been afraid to be alone. I grew up with small town values, but big city desires. I’m often split. I miss being able to put my talent out there. I miss the opportunity of a last minute date. I’m 70 miles from the nearest city and unfortunately, HGTV often wins over a 90-minute drive to visit friends or to party.
A friend from Detroit recently said that I was very good at looking forward to being home, but not good at being home. I create wonderful spaces, but was happiest leaving them. It gave me pause. I do love to travel... ever in search of new space. How can I be in nesting mode and ready to hit the road in the same breath? A conundrum....
I’ve taken a lot of criticism for my recent move back to Texas from friends around the country. I agree with most of their jabs at Texas. I don’t like the climate or the politics here either. I don’t like the people I come across who use living in a small town as an excuse for having a small mind; but they are rare.
I also don’t like over-reaching granola, PC politics...the me-first, bunker mentality of some city-dwellers I know. I can do without the attitude, thank you. I don't judge (or try my best not to). I am simply living my life as best as I can, far from perfect, but giving it my best shot.
I want to be around people whose minds are as spacious as the horizon, who are kind, generous and spiritual. I want to be around people who know and care about their neighbors; who respond to a crisis as a community, but also honor and respect your privacy. There are people like that right here deep in the heart of Smalltown, Texas.
I guess I’ll have to continue having a split space-a-nality, traveling the country in search of complete inner and outer landscapes. Who knows. Peace and happiness may be on the horizon. Wanna come along?
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Re: This works for you
Date: 2004-07-02 07:16 pm (UTC)My business, as I know it, is changing rapidly and not for the good. Artistic quality, the ability to make a good living as an actor, is being increasingly undercut by the corporate mentality of the new stage show producing groups such as Clear Channel and Disney. Last week in NYC in tense negotiations over the new production contract, one high-profile producer referred to all actors as itinerant workers. Negotiations went downhill from there...Producers have walked out. Broadway may soon go dark, as a strike is imminent.
As you know, I've been offered work this Fall. The contract will be for about 15 months. The director is someone I admire (and have considered a friend for 13 years). He's responsible for many of my career breaks and I want to do the tour; but Casey asked today... What happens after the 15 months are up? Same question? What does Neil want to be when he grows up...lol?
She wants me to go into the investment end of banking and there are real opportunities in Houston for me, if I just stay put. I have a knack for investments and would like to create a practice where I focus on underserved communities such as actors, writers, musicians, the Gay & Lesbian community.... where earning power is all over the map and financial security so important.
Unfortunately, this means no singing, no moving about the country and spending time with many of my dear friends who are scattered to the winds. My friends are everything to me.
I won't bore you with more details, but I have a lot to consider. What I am so pleased by and astounded by, to be honest, is that you have never met me and you totally get me. I will reread your final paragraph often in the weeks to come.
Thanks!
Re: This works for you
Date: 2004-07-02 08:40 pm (UTC)That said, there will come a time when you DON'T win that role, when you can't hit those notes as strongly as you used to, and there may be a sad day (Bright Lady forbid!) when Broadway goes dark. It's not so much a matter of "What will you do when you grow up?" as it is one of simple survival when your unstable profession becomes untenable.
Jumping from role to role, stage to stage, you've proven that you're phenominally adaptive, and I have no doubt that you will land on your feet, on stage or off.
While office work may seem like a sentence to Purgatory, your future life need not be limited to a soul-less cubicle. Local theatre groups would kill for a person with your range and experience, singing groups (Gay and Strate) need strong Baritone/Basses...and your friends, tho scattered to the four winds, might well welcome the chance to see how well you become "domesticated". In short, like most things, the experience is only as good/bad as you choose to make it.
The choice to come off the stage is still a ways off, but if/when it comes, I know you will choose wisely.
Re: This works for you
Date: 2004-07-02 09:55 pm (UTC)I'm a Tenor I, Bruin. Although, if you met me in a bar and or a non-musical acting audition, you might mistake me for a baritone:) LOL!
Re: This works for you
Date: 2004-07-02 11:33 pm (UTC)I guess I'm simply projecting my preconceptions onto you. However, the analogy still holds; there will come a time when those high As won't come as easily as they once did, and you may find yourself having to settle for being (*gasp*) a Tenor II(Oh...the SHAME!).
I speak from experience. I started in Perfect Harmony as a Tenor I. After seven years, I find I'm far more comfortable as a Baritone (While I could carry Tenor II, I came out of a two hour performance vocally fried, needing up to two months of vocal rest to recover fully.).