Split Space-a-nality
Jul. 2nd, 2004 06:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mrdreamjeansI’ve only been home from Boston for a couple of days and my ongoing conflict between needing “space” and savoring the benefits of an urban environment is making me restless. I’ve lived with this split my entire adult life.
As I look around my parents’ home where I’ve landed for a couple of months, I am happy with the comfort and tranquility, content to savor the gentle hills of the surrounding ranch land and the immense possibilities of the sky. As Tim (gotmoof) can tell you, we even have a skyful of stars to entrance the eye, a rare occurence in some of the bigger cities.
The neighbors’ cows have been giving birth at an astounding rate and cute little black calves with splashes of white on their faces are everywhere in the pastures, along with graceful Quarter horse foals cuddling next to their protective moms; a variety of birds have made a home at my folks’ home.
I like the space. I like the quiet. I like the lack of noisy and nosy neighbors. I like being around my family and to attend band concerts, church suppers and other small town social events. I am happy that rents, gas prices and other costs are low. I like personally knowing the auto mechanics at the car dealership, my doctor and the ladies who volunteer at the local art league. I like the lack of traffic and the guilty pleasure of grumbling at the 80 year old driving 45 in a 70 mph zone. Sometimes I even enjoy being an invisible fish in a smaller pond. But then the itch begins.....
I’ll be speaking on the phone with a friend in Seattle, Chicago or New York and they’ll have to head out the door to a dinner with friends, to a movie theatre or political event, to a concert or theatrical production, a night out dancing at a favorite club. I feel a familiar stirring, the desire to be in a place where I can readily participate, be close enough to join right in.
I like the idea of walking to work, the pleasure of eating out at a new restaurant on a whim. I like country dancing with my arms around someone special or attending a sporting event in the big city and rooting for the underdog. I’ll be watching the news and a friend will be announced for a role in a new play or musical and I’ll be wishing I was there, wishing that I could compete just for the joy of competition and the chance to strut my stuff.
I don’t like the isolation... that’s when open space becomes confining. I might be content if there was someone special to share the silence, as I’ve never been afraid to be alone. I grew up with small town values, but big city desires. I’m often split. I miss being able to put my talent out there. I miss the opportunity of a last minute date. I’m 70 miles from the nearest city and unfortunately, HGTV often wins over a 90-minute drive to visit friends or to party.
A friend from Detroit recently said that I was very good at looking forward to being home, but not good at being home. I create wonderful spaces, but was happiest leaving them. It gave me pause. I do love to travel... ever in search of new space. How can I be in nesting mode and ready to hit the road in the same breath? A conundrum....
I’ve taken a lot of criticism for my recent move back to Texas from friends around the country. I agree with most of their jabs at Texas. I don’t like the climate or the politics here either. I don’t like the people I come across who use living in a small town as an excuse for having a small mind; but they are rare.
I also don’t like over-reaching granola, PC politics...the me-first, bunker mentality of some city-dwellers I know. I can do without the attitude, thank you. I don't judge (or try my best not to). I am simply living my life as best as I can, far from perfect, but giving it my best shot.
I want to be around people whose minds are as spacious as the horizon, who are kind, generous and spiritual. I want to be around people who know and care about their neighbors; who respond to a crisis as a community, but also honor and respect your privacy. There are people like that right here deep in the heart of Smalltown, Texas.
I guess I’ll have to continue having a split space-a-nality, traveling the country in search of complete inner and outer landscapes. Who knows. Peace and happiness may be on the horizon. Wanna come along?
As I look around my parents’ home where I’ve landed for a couple of months, I am happy with the comfort and tranquility, content to savor the gentle hills of the surrounding ranch land and the immense possibilities of the sky. As Tim (gotmoof) can tell you, we even have a skyful of stars to entrance the eye, a rare occurence in some of the bigger cities.
The neighbors’ cows have been giving birth at an astounding rate and cute little black calves with splashes of white on their faces are everywhere in the pastures, along with graceful Quarter horse foals cuddling next to their protective moms; a variety of birds have made a home at my folks’ home.
I like the space. I like the quiet. I like the lack of noisy and nosy neighbors. I like being around my family and to attend band concerts, church suppers and other small town social events. I am happy that rents, gas prices and other costs are low. I like personally knowing the auto mechanics at the car dealership, my doctor and the ladies who volunteer at the local art league. I like the lack of traffic and the guilty pleasure of grumbling at the 80 year old driving 45 in a 70 mph zone. Sometimes I even enjoy being an invisible fish in a smaller pond. But then the itch begins.....
I’ll be speaking on the phone with a friend in Seattle, Chicago or New York and they’ll have to head out the door to a dinner with friends, to a movie theatre or political event, to a concert or theatrical production, a night out dancing at a favorite club. I feel a familiar stirring, the desire to be in a place where I can readily participate, be close enough to join right in.
I like the idea of walking to work, the pleasure of eating out at a new restaurant on a whim. I like country dancing with my arms around someone special or attending a sporting event in the big city and rooting for the underdog. I’ll be watching the news and a friend will be announced for a role in a new play or musical and I’ll be wishing I was there, wishing that I could compete just for the joy of competition and the chance to strut my stuff.
I don’t like the isolation... that’s when open space becomes confining. I might be content if there was someone special to share the silence, as I’ve never been afraid to be alone. I grew up with small town values, but big city desires. I’m often split. I miss being able to put my talent out there. I miss the opportunity of a last minute date. I’m 70 miles from the nearest city and unfortunately, HGTV often wins over a 90-minute drive to visit friends or to party.
A friend from Detroit recently said that I was very good at looking forward to being home, but not good at being home. I create wonderful spaces, but was happiest leaving them. It gave me pause. I do love to travel... ever in search of new space. How can I be in nesting mode and ready to hit the road in the same breath? A conundrum....
I’ve taken a lot of criticism for my recent move back to Texas from friends around the country. I agree with most of their jabs at Texas. I don’t like the climate or the politics here either. I don’t like the people I come across who use living in a small town as an excuse for having a small mind; but they are rare.
I also don’t like over-reaching granola, PC politics...the me-first, bunker mentality of some city-dwellers I know. I can do without the attitude, thank you. I don't judge (or try my best not to). I am simply living my life as best as I can, far from perfect, but giving it my best shot.
I want to be around people whose minds are as spacious as the horizon, who are kind, generous and spiritual. I want to be around people who know and care about their neighbors; who respond to a crisis as a community, but also honor and respect your privacy. There are people like that right here deep in the heart of Smalltown, Texas.
I guess I’ll have to continue having a split space-a-nality, traveling the country in search of complete inner and outer landscapes. Who knows. Peace and happiness may be on the horizon. Wanna come along?
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