Me Being Me

[mrdreamjeans]

 My friend Tony Plaza wrote the following this last week: “People will either like you or they will not. If they disown you, turn the page and you be you.” Sound simple? For me, it’s not.

 

I spent a lot of my life worrying if people liked me, worrying about what people thought of me. It wasn’t about wanting to be popular, it was more about not being an outsider. I’ve lived my life with the certain knowledge I was an outsider. I was different from every other member of my family and there are a myriad of ways your family lets you know this. Being different requires the creation of a prism unlike any known to your family. Because of who I am, I view life and society through a different lens. 

 

One of my greatest desires has been to be loved unconditionally. It’s a big ask. Though my family loves me, it is not completely unconditional with the exception of one nephew and one niece. (It’s how I feel whether it’s true or not.) When the entire family is together we spend a lot of time talking about inconsequential matters. There are too many topics, too many minefields to tip toe through. I’m not great at small talk. I’m opinionated and if you challenge me you’d better bring your facts and evidence to support your point of view.

 

I’m single, a “confirmed bachelor” as it used to be called;  a 66-year old gay man with no children or heirs; I live in a city with my 13-year old dog;  I live alone and my quality of life got more precarious during the past four years. I’m not particularly religious (too strong a bullshit detector for that); I’m well educated, socially liberal, a rules follower. In other words, a moderate Republican circa 1972. 

 

The version of me you see depends entirely on how you treat me, my friends and family; I will not stand by as someone threatens my loved ones; but, for decades, I didn’t stand up enough for myself. I deplore fakes, liars and deliberate ignorance. It distresses me when my closest family members and I completely disagree.

 

So, let’s keep this election real ...

 

Joe Biden is the winner of the presidential election, both in the popular vote and electoral college. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for 4 years. I won’t miss the scandal of the day from the current administration. I especially won’t miss the threat of the elimination of Social Security or Medicare and will hope for a return to rational, thoughtful discourse. I'm horrified by the dumbing down of America, but my trust for our institutions and belief in the Constitution remain intact.

 

I have lived with anxiety for the past four years as I’ve seen our country headed toward Facism. Nationalism is not patriotism! The horrible deeds of Hitler are facts, not conjecture. (I don't think a pink triangle would suit me despite an ability to accessorize.) The current president has been a destructive, incompetent leader, an inept, corrupt businessman incapable of empathy or kindness. Our country has been manipulated into believing it’s Us vs Them, Urban vs Rural ... and no one else matters.

Joe Biden may not have been any Democrat’s first choice for president, but he was and is the conciliating, healing choice. May Joe make a positive difference for all Americans in his one term! Kamala Harris? What can I say except Madam Vice President ... There’s something absolutely lovely about her election on the 100th anniversary of women getting the right to vote.

 

So many friends reached out to me to celebrate Biden’s win; but, his victory puts me in confict with my Texas family. I can’t fully enjoy it, because I’m still fighting the battle Tony wrote about,  how do I accept, “People will either like you or they will not. If they disown you, turn the page and you be you”, especially when it's family? It’s solid advice I wish my younger self and current self could fully embrace. I dislike the idea of being disowned; but, don’t be surprised if I do something unexpected with the final chapters of my life. It will simply be me being me!

Comments

[apparentparadox]

I guess it depends on what you mean by "family". Lately, I've decided that most of the people I used to call "family" are really more like "people I used to live close to many years ago, but now have little to do with", very similar to neighbors from years ago or old college room-mates. Yes, there is some shared old history, but there isn't any real connection. I'll be polite to them just as I would to an old neighbor, but I'm not going to put a lot of effort into maintaining the relationship.

Why do I feel like this? Simply put, I think that the word "family" should only be used with people who really care about you, who would give up something for you. People who vote Republican have made it very clear that they think it's acceptable to treat LGBT folks as lesser. It's basically been in the Republican Party platform for years! I'm not saying that all Republicans want to do bad things to LGBT people, but treating LGBT folks right is a lesser priority for them than whatever makes them vote Republican. That's fine, and that's their choice. But their choice makes it obvious that they're not willing to give up things for me. So, I don't think of them as family.

It's kind of like the old dating advice that went something like: don't make someone else a priority when you're just an option to them.

[mrdreamjeans]

I'm speaking of my brother and sister, two nephews and their families. Perhaps, it's a lack of courage on my part, but I'm not ready to break from my siblings.

[apparentparadox]

Only you can make the decision of what is best for you. My only advice is that when people tell you who they are, believe them. So, if they're telling you (either through their actions or their words) that they don't really accept who you are and that they really don't have the same priorities, believe them. Don't keep hoping that they will change and being disappointed when they don't. That will definitely set you up for unhappiness.

[zipperbear]

Not all relatives need to count as family. If you don't like being disowned by them, maybe you should see if they like being disowned by you.

"Why should I care about you, if you're going to be uncaring?" Blood is thicker than water, but cement overshoes are even more so -- don't let yourself be weighted down by emotional baggage.

Remember, the people who know how to push all of your emotional buttons are the folks you grew up with, because they installed the buttons when you were too young to know better.

[mrdreamjeans]

My parents are dead, so I'm speaking mainly of my brother and sister. They have always been there for me, especially in my medical and financial crises following my parents' deaths. I have a strong chosen family, so that may be my focus this Christmas. I know my sister is on the side of science when it comes to the pandemic, but I've going to have to have a difficult conversation before showing up for Christmas with my brother's extremists sons and their spouses. I like think I will one day overcome my emotional baggage, but that's an ongoing challenge.

[mellowtigger]

My parents and extended family are big Trump supporters and Republicans in general. My brother has voted Green in the past (in spite of being another gun-toting former-military type) but in general tries to avoid politics. Me being me, I'm more of an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of person, so it would take me a few years to notice if we simply stopped talking to each other.

On the other "We Are Family" theme, I've never made much sense of it. As I was reminded this week, the signature that I used online for many years (back in the late 1980s or early 1990s) included three rules of life:
1) Loving always feels good.
2) Being loved always feels weird.
3) Wanting to be loved always hurts.

My last boyfriend was over 20 years ago. I got close again over a decade ago, then ran away like a scared rabbit at the potential complication in my life.

I would continue posting on my blog, even if zero people read it. It's still useful to me to organize thoughts coherently and get them out of my brain into a more objective format for self review.

[billeyler]

That's an odd statement" "Joe Biden may not have been any Democrat's first choice." Obviously, he was, since he won the primaries.

I feel I'm in battle mode constantly, even now. This whole Impeached 45's refusal to accept reality is brain exploding, as are his enablers and sycophants rabid following of him.

There are very few people in my life I would care if they 'disowned' me. I don't have the relationship with my blood family you do.

[mrdreamjeans]

The majority of my friends had a first preference that wasn't Joe Biden is what I meant. My first choice was Pete Buttigieg. Several of my friends were Bernie Sanders supporters. (I didn't have him in my top five Democrat candidates.) I think Biden can heal the country ... and it will take most of his term. I hope the Democrats understand the majority of the country prefers a moderate. The elections are increasingly urban versus rural in combativeness. Dim Donald is going to have to be removed dragging and screaming off his golden commode. I have no patience with listening to anything he has to say ... I wouldn't be surprised if he runs to Russia and gives Putin America's secrets ....

Re: Disowning ...I like to think I wouldn't mind, but if I'm honest, I would. I've decided this week I can't commit to celebrating this Christmas with my family ... the next six weeks will tell the tale ... Is it safe to drive? Will my two radicalized nephews put politics aside for the sake of the family? I'll get the gifts ready and mailed off and make the decision as to whether to see the gifts opened in person at the last minute. Two things are certain ... I'm not flying down ... and the friends I see besides my family want to see me, but ONLY before I visit my family.