Might Even Have Made It

[mrdreamjeans]

I’m a sucker for a good theater biography and I just finished one; devouring it in a few hours. It’s a memoir from Kaye Ballard titled, “how i lost 10 pounds in 53 years”. The book makes a good case for how hard it is to be successful in theater and film and deftly illustrates the roller coaster ride that pursuing such a career can be. Of course, though only one book, the material spoke volumes to me:)

I want to remember two paragraphs from the end of the memoir, so I’m including them in this post. It will be a reminder to sit back and savor the good things I’ve had happen in my life and to keep that nagging devil off my shoulder, the one who often tells me I’ve not done enough, been good enough .. if only I had done this or that ... made a different choice ... Self-criticism can be healthy or it can be crippling. I’ve got to keep it on the healthy side. I also need to keep the second-guessing and hind-sighting in check.

Kaye’s words: “My career has been a cornucopia of triumphs and missteps. I suppose when you come to think of it, that is also pretty accurate as a description of most people’s lives. But in show business, I wanted to be the one. The person at the top, the one who got the big break. You know what the pisser is? What if I had that but never realized it? Maybe I was too busy looking at where the other guy had gotten to appreciate where I was.”

“Elaine Stritch asked at the end of her brilliant one-woman show, “Well, what has this all been about?” In her show, she said she was reclaiming a life she felt she had almost missed. I am “claiming” also. Claiming responsibility for a life filled with extraordinary experiences and marvelous people who I don’t want to be forgotten. The whole thing is simple. I guess I have to learn to like me. I have to be able to give myself a compliment. All alone, in the dark, I have to be able to say, “You know what, Kaye? You didn’t do so badly. In fact, you might even have made it. Congratulations.”

2006 has been one of the toughest years for my friends and acquaintances that I can remember. I know it has been for me. I am very ready to leap into 2007 with faith and hope intact. Even if I don’t sing in a show, I challenge myself to remember that my self-esteem isn’t only about talent, looks or age, but also about being a good, loyal and loving friend. Though it's sort of like one of those touchy-feely affirmations, the following words hold true .... I really am good enough .... I might even have made it! Here's to claiming a Happy New Year for ourselves!