Comfort Food for Thought
Jan. 29th, 2005 08:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mrdreamjeansHow Smart is Your Right Foot?
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
There's nothing you can do about it! :)
And God Said...and Satan Said:)
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs!
Senior Citizen Challenge
How true the truth is...
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh ..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we
invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next
generation??"
I love senior citizens...
Post Turtles
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas rancher whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle, a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texan said,"Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid bastard get down."
Construction Talk
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old son naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted him as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with him, let him sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave him little jobs to do here and there to make him feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented him with a "pay" envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little boy took this home to his mother who said she was very proud and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little boy how he had come by his very own paycheck at such a young age. The little boy proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little boy replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock."
Marriage By the Book
As certain politicians work diligently to prevent marriage between two persons of the same sex, others of us have been busy drafting a Constitutional Amendment codifying all marriages entirely on biblical principles. After all, God wouldn't want us to pick and choose which of the Scriptures we elevate to civil law and which we choose to ignore:
DRAFT OF A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT TO DEFEND BIBLICAL MARRIAGE:
1. Marriage in the United States of America shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women.
(Gen. 29:17-28; II Sam. 3:2-5)
2. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives.
(II Sam. 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
3. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed.
(Deut. 22:13-21)
4. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.
(Gen. 24:3; Num. 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh.10:30)
5. Since marriage is for life, neither the US Constitution nor any state law shall permit divorce.
(Deut. 22:19; Mark 10:9-12)
6. If a married man dies without children, his brother must marry the widow. If the brother refuses to marry the widow, or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law.
(Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)
7. If there are no acceptable men to be found, in lieu of marriage a woman shall get her father drunk and have sex with him. (Gen. 19:31-36)
Two Old Ladies
Two Old Ladies (sent by a friend in her 70's)
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it??
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (She is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't Matter, Son, As Long As It Fits A Camel."
The Pharmacist fainted.
BIG DICK’S TOFFEE COFFEE CAKE:
1 CUP DARK BROWN SUGAR
1/2 CUP WHITE SUGAR
2 CUPS FLOUR SIFTED
1 STICK BUTTER
MIX IN MIXER LIKE PIE CRUST...RESERVE 1/2 CUP FOR TOPPING; ADD: 1 EGG, 1TSP SODA, 1 TSP VANILLA and 1 CUP BUTTERMILK; BEAT WELL AND POUR IN GREASED AND FLOURED 9X13 PAN. BATTER WILL BE A LITTLE STIFF. SPRINKLE ON THE RESERVED TOPPING. CRUSH 5 HEATH BARS AND SPRINKLE ON TOP. THEY COME TWO IN A PACKAGE NOW, SO USE ONLY FIVE OR SIX SINGLE BARS. COULD USE FRENCH KNIFE ON A CUTTING BOARD TO SHAVE THE BARS.
FOR VARIETY, 1/2 CUP OF NUTS CAN BE SPRINKLED ON TOP ALSO
BAKE AT 350 DEGREES FOR 25-30 MINUTES. TEST WITH TOOTHPICK
Hope this collection of borrowed humor gave ya’ll a few laughs and provoked a few thoughts. Plus, the recipe is a good one ...right from the trailer park school of bakin’. May you be out somewhere having fun on a Saturday night and not read this till Sunday afternoon! I'll be here at the computer, trying to figure out how to do LJ cuts; but as you can see, I finally figured out how to make an item bold! Small victories! Hugs, Neil!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
There's nothing you can do about it! :)
And God Said...and Satan Said:)
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs!
Senior Citizen Challenge
How true the truth is...
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh ..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we
invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next
generation??"
I love senior citizens...
Post Turtles
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas rancher whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle, a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texan said,"Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid bastard get down."
Construction Talk
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old son naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted him as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with him, let him sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave him little jobs to do here and there to make him feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented him with a "pay" envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little boy took this home to his mother who said she was very proud and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little boy how he had come by his very own paycheck at such a young age. The little boy proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little boy replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock."
Marriage By the Book
As certain politicians work diligently to prevent marriage between two persons of the same sex, others of us have been busy drafting a Constitutional Amendment codifying all marriages entirely on biblical principles. After all, God wouldn't want us to pick and choose which of the Scriptures we elevate to civil law and which we choose to ignore:
DRAFT OF A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT TO DEFEND BIBLICAL MARRIAGE:
1. Marriage in the United States of America shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women.
(Gen. 29:17-28; II Sam. 3:2-5)
2. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives.
(II Sam. 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
3. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed.
(Deut. 22:13-21)
4. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.
(Gen. 24:3; Num. 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh.10:30)
5. Since marriage is for life, neither the US Constitution nor any state law shall permit divorce.
(Deut. 22:19; Mark 10:9-12)
6. If a married man dies without children, his brother must marry the widow. If the brother refuses to marry the widow, or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law.
(Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)
7. If there are no acceptable men to be found, in lieu of marriage a woman shall get her father drunk and have sex with him. (Gen. 19:31-36)
Two Old Ladies
Two Old Ladies (sent by a friend in her 70's)
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it??
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (She is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't Matter, Son, As Long As It Fits A Camel."
The Pharmacist fainted.
BIG DICK’S TOFFEE COFFEE CAKE:
1 CUP DARK BROWN SUGAR
1/2 CUP WHITE SUGAR
2 CUPS FLOUR SIFTED
1 STICK BUTTER
MIX IN MIXER LIKE PIE CRUST...RESERVE 1/2 CUP FOR TOPPING; ADD: 1 EGG, 1TSP SODA, 1 TSP VANILLA and 1 CUP BUTTERMILK; BEAT WELL AND POUR IN GREASED AND FLOURED 9X13 PAN. BATTER WILL BE A LITTLE STIFF. SPRINKLE ON THE RESERVED TOPPING. CRUSH 5 HEATH BARS AND SPRINKLE ON TOP. THEY COME TWO IN A PACKAGE NOW, SO USE ONLY FIVE OR SIX SINGLE BARS. COULD USE FRENCH KNIFE ON A CUTTING BOARD TO SHAVE THE BARS.
FOR VARIETY, 1/2 CUP OF NUTS CAN BE SPRINKLED ON TOP ALSO
BAKE AT 350 DEGREES FOR 25-30 MINUTES. TEST WITH TOOTHPICK
Hope this collection of borrowed humor gave ya’ll a few laughs and provoked a few thoughts. Plus, the recipe is a good one ...right from the trailer park school of bakin’. May you be out somewhere having fun on a Saturday night and not read this till Sunday afternoon! I'll be here at the computer, trying to figure out how to do LJ cuts; but as you can see, I finally figured out how to make an item bold! Small victories! Hugs, Neil!
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Re: Wow!
Date: 2005-01-30 05:16 am (UTC)