Memories and Frontiers
Apr. 19th, 2004 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mrdreamjeansIf you married your partner, would you take his/her last name? I had never considered what I would do until I reconnected with a friend in Germany last night. On September 5, 2003 my friend Daniel married his partner/lover/husband/husbear (What is a good term for this?) in a full church wedding, as well as in a civil ceremony held in Berlin’s City Hall the previous day.
Daniel and Stefan had an old-fashioned courtship. When I was working in Europe in 2002, Stefan formally proposed to Daniel during a romantic vacation and Daniel accepted. I was one of the first friends to hear the news. I was invited to the wedding, and if I couldn’t make that, to join them at some point on their honeymoon trip, Montreal or New York City. I wasn’t able to do either at the time as the funds to do so just weren’t there.
Daniel’s background is one I find uniquely European. His parents have been married nearly 40 years, yet his father has also had a Black male partner for over 20 years. The wife and lover know each other well and comfortably co-exist. Daniel’s straight sister is a policewoman. Stefan’s father is a truck driver. Everyone marches together in Pride Parades and Peace Marches. Everyone attended and supported the guys’ wedding and honor their relationship. To an American such as myself, this is the stuff of legends.... and it inspires.
When I met Daniel in Berlin in 1991, he took me to a performance of “Verdi’s Requiem” in a 17th century concert hall in East Berlin. (This was just a short time after the wall came down.) Daniel’s father was conducting the 85-piece orchestra and Daniel and his mother were singing in the 120-piece chorus. The performance and setting created an indelible memory. This special moment cemented our 13-year friendship which we renewed upon my return to Europe for a tour of “Evita” in 2002.
The months in Germany in 2002 gave me the opportunity to meet Stefan and to grow to like him. He adores Daniel, and Daniel is humbled by the adoration. They are a study in opposites.. Daniel came out at 13 and was in the bars and baths by mid-teens; Stefan is a late-bloomer and Daniel is his first love. Previously, Daniel wouldn’t date you unless you were over 40; Stefan and Daniel are very close in age. Whatever the differences, the chemistry is there.
Last evening Daniel sent me an instant message online, an occurence that made me particularly happy as we hadn’t spoken in several months and I didn’t have his new information. When I received the new address and phone number, I was surprised by one item. Daniel had taken his partner’s last name!
For some reason this shocked me. Daniel’s father is fairly famous in Germany, so the name is well-known. I understand honoring Stefan; but, at the same time, is this somehow disrespectful to Daniel’s family and their history? I can‘t even decide if I were in a relationship, and wanted to more formally cement the bond of love, what I would call the other person. Partner seems too business-like; significant other - too fussy and forced; lover - too public ; boyfriend - too casual; companion - mercenary.
I’ve never considered taking someone else’s name. When I thought I’d marry my college sweetheart, we thought we’d, at the most, hyphenate our last names. It feels like a sacrifice to me; I erase my identity and offer it to you. I would feel this way regardless of the gender combination involved.
Am I making too much fuss over a friend’s choice? I am intrigued though.... Would you choose to be identified as a couple using one last name? Does it, in an odd sense, replace the infrequent practice in previous decades, of adopting your partner to protect inheritance rights? Does this mean Daniel has assumed the role of “wife”? ( No judgement here, just curiosity...)
Would you take one name if children were involved? Would you feel comfortable as Mr. and Mr. Dan _____ or Ms. and Ms. Mary _____ ? The Jones - George and Bob? The Robertsons - Lynn and Laura, MD? Does this mean that Europeans are way ahead of us? Afterall, many of the rights we aspire to in America have been law in Europe for some time. Is taking your partner’s last name in marriage a step forward or step backward? I’d like to know what you think. It’s a new frontier.
Daniel and Stefan had an old-fashioned courtship. When I was working in Europe in 2002, Stefan formally proposed to Daniel during a romantic vacation and Daniel accepted. I was one of the first friends to hear the news. I was invited to the wedding, and if I couldn’t make that, to join them at some point on their honeymoon trip, Montreal or New York City. I wasn’t able to do either at the time as the funds to do so just weren’t there.
Daniel’s background is one I find uniquely European. His parents have been married nearly 40 years, yet his father has also had a Black male partner for over 20 years. The wife and lover know each other well and comfortably co-exist. Daniel’s straight sister is a policewoman. Stefan’s father is a truck driver. Everyone marches together in Pride Parades and Peace Marches. Everyone attended and supported the guys’ wedding and honor their relationship. To an American such as myself, this is the stuff of legends.... and it inspires.
When I met Daniel in Berlin in 1991, he took me to a performance of “Verdi’s Requiem” in a 17th century concert hall in East Berlin. (This was just a short time after the wall came down.) Daniel’s father was conducting the 85-piece orchestra and Daniel and his mother were singing in the 120-piece chorus. The performance and setting created an indelible memory. This special moment cemented our 13-year friendship which we renewed upon my return to Europe for a tour of “Evita” in 2002.
The months in Germany in 2002 gave me the opportunity to meet Stefan and to grow to like him. He adores Daniel, and Daniel is humbled by the adoration. They are a study in opposites.. Daniel came out at 13 and was in the bars and baths by mid-teens; Stefan is a late-bloomer and Daniel is his first love. Previously, Daniel wouldn’t date you unless you were over 40; Stefan and Daniel are very close in age. Whatever the differences, the chemistry is there.
Last evening Daniel sent me an instant message online, an occurence that made me particularly happy as we hadn’t spoken in several months and I didn’t have his new information. When I received the new address and phone number, I was surprised by one item. Daniel had taken his partner’s last name!
For some reason this shocked me. Daniel’s father is fairly famous in Germany, so the name is well-known. I understand honoring Stefan; but, at the same time, is this somehow disrespectful to Daniel’s family and their history? I can‘t even decide if I were in a relationship, and wanted to more formally cement the bond of love, what I would call the other person. Partner seems too business-like; significant other - too fussy and forced; lover - too public ; boyfriend - too casual; companion - mercenary.
I’ve never considered taking someone else’s name. When I thought I’d marry my college sweetheart, we thought we’d, at the most, hyphenate our last names. It feels like a sacrifice to me; I erase my identity and offer it to you. I would feel this way regardless of the gender combination involved.
Am I making too much fuss over a friend’s choice? I am intrigued though.... Would you choose to be identified as a couple using one last name? Does it, in an odd sense, replace the infrequent practice in previous decades, of adopting your partner to protect inheritance rights? Does this mean Daniel has assumed the role of “wife”? ( No judgement here, just curiosity...)
Would you take one name if children were involved? Would you feel comfortable as Mr. and Mr. Dan _____ or Ms. and Ms. Mary _____ ? The Jones - George and Bob? The Robertsons - Lynn and Laura, MD? Does this mean that Europeans are way ahead of us? Afterall, many of the rights we aspire to in America have been law in Europe for some time. Is taking your partner’s last name in marriage a step forward or step backward? I’d like to know what you think. It’s a new frontier.
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Re: Generational
Date: 2004-04-21 02:06 pm (UTC)You've discussed a few options of terms, and pondered what are the appropriate ways to refer to another's significant other depending on the seriousness of the relationship. Personally I think it should be the same for everyone. If you get married, the male person is the husband, and the female is the wife, even if it's to males, then they are each others husbands, and so the same goes for two women, they would be each others wives. Before that there is the who fiance step, nicely a shared terminology :o) And before that boy/girlfriends, and before that, it's just the person -guy or gal, one is dating, or interested in. I never intent to use the term "partner" for it just separates gays from straights, when to me, we are all just people. No need to find our identity in our sexuality.
But I do realize that the term "partner" is a real term in the here and now, and commonly used to describe the equivalent of a gay couple who is married. Which is why I feel the need to point out, that neither Kevin or John, are or have been, my "partner".
So with all that said and the way I feel about the terms, I still find the challenge of the "Last Name Issue" challenging to wrap my head around. I say I want the gays and straights to all be the same, and it works for the terms of husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend. But how does one handle the last name?
It could be as simple as if you want to go for it, if you don't, then don't. Or like you said, is it the dominant/submissive thing happening?
I still don't know.