Beating Heart Literal

[mrdreamjeans]

I’ve often taken the heart beating in my chest for granted. It seems to be functioning properly and is of conventional size. It’s where it’s supposed to be in my chest. We’ve all heard of enlarged hearts in a clinical sense; but, I’m curious as to the size of my heart when it comes to feelings, emotions, thoughts. I imagine it as chameleon-like ... changing size, shape and color due to circumstances or events.

As I was driving today, an odd thought popped into my head. Does my heart get smaller, like a clenched fist, when it’s been hurt, felt loss or been disappointed? With the events of the past two years ... the isolation, change of career, parents’ health, the death of friends and dearth of joy, it’s often felt like my heart was physically smaller in my chest ... contracted and constricted ... beaten and bruised ... retreating to a protected corner of my body to recover from the blows.

I picture it in my chest as this tiny, pulsng blob, shy, reclusive, fearful of being hurt, diminished in size because of disuse, trying its best to be invisible to protect itself. Sometimes, it reaches out to me and reminds me of my sadnesses ... Neil, you’ve known what it is to love someone fully and unconditionally and it wasn’t enough ... You’ve lost your best friend to death without a chance to say goodbye ....You’ve lost a close friendship with no closure or understanding of why .... You’ve been mugged, hated without reason, because of some small quirk in your DNA. Why would you continue to put me out there?

Yet steadily, my heart continues to beat. I feel it wanting to take up more space in my chest. Can my heart achieve emotional rebirth by opening its chambers once again to feelings of passion and positivity? Can I will it to do so? Can my brain inform my heart to heal, survive and strive to love again? Perhaps, next time more wisely and well?

I wonder if opening up myself to new friendships here in my journal, and in life, is one of the paths my heart is taking to recover. By knowing and remembering love, is my heart once again feasting on blood ...marvelously engorged ... beating fiercely and determinedly because I’m ready to participate fully in life again? When I speak to my friends, or see some of them like I did on vacation, is my heart literally filling up with energy and light, expanding in my chest from excitement, from feeling? Is it expanding its capacity to love because it’s learned important lessons from past encounters with grief, loss and disappointment?

Last evening a troubled friend who had disappeared from my life (though I searched high and low to find him) picked up the phone and called me from Maine ... He invited me back into his life. A long-time friend has recently become very comfortable with the words, “I love you”. Such simple actions fill me with joy! I can feel my heart pulsing more strongly in response to the changes. As the David Friedman song says, “Listen to my heart. Listen to it sing. Listen to my heart. It wants to tell you eveything.” I think my heart is telling me, Listen carefully to each and every beat I take. Take nothing for granted. Be strong! Be confident! In a weekend dedicated to Pride, I do believe I'm a beating heart literal:)

Comments

As they say

[arkanjil.livejournal.com]

A liberal is a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

You missed a great party sir

Re: As they say

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Love that line! I'll have to use it on my brother!

I'm sorry to have missed the party! I'm still not feeling well and it took every bit of energy I had this weekend to try and conquer this sinus infection. Hope you got lots of wonderful stuff for the baby!!!

Big HUGS!

[billeyler.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's sage and thoughtful typage there. It's times like this that I think of the friends that have slipped away despite my trying to keep some connection going through the years. I'm never clear on whether I'm not showing enough interest in their lives or whether my own humble doings just aren't enough for keeping those tenuous links alive.

Once gone, they those threads seem to be gone forever, through time and diversity of personal issues.

Sigh...

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I always remain hopeful that people I value will come back into my life, even if they drift away for awhile. I'll never lose a friendship from inattention on my side, but I can't assume that others care as much. You seem to have a wonderful network of folks who care about you, so I know you are a good friend to your friends.

Thanks for your kind words about this post. I get into these reflective moods ... well, you see the results:)

HUGS!

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

My heart shrink and expands too, so I know what you mean. I've learned to listen to what it wants when it needs to hide and try to give it that, while gently encouraging it to be ready to open up again.

Hugs.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Pete! I knew you'd understand what I've fumbled around to say .. Hope you're doing well. I've missed hearing from you .. though you looks like you're having a wonderful time at Ernie's:)

My ego requires that I ask a question .. Did you ever listen to the clips of me singing that I posted about three Saturdays ago? I don't know why, but I was hoping you'd take a listen.

HUGS!

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Between intending to listen to them but not making a firm mental note to do so, and possibly some apprehension that your singing will make me regret my own lack of technique, I haven't listened to them yet.

But I commit that I shall, because I would like to. ;-)

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks! There is no reason to make comparisons. We will not be alike at all and there is no better or worse ... just two friends who can appreciate each other and develop an even closer friendship. I just wanted you to hear the clips, so that you understand how much I've missed my music in the past two years. It's pure power Bway style and you may not like that ... but I hope you like my voice ... just because ... For some reason, it's important to me.

Big HUGS!

[mister-don.livejournal.com]

Neil,
:HUGS:

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks, very much!

[dhbearguy.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that amazing post on this wonderful pride morning in San Francisco.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

You're welcome, Dave! Hope that you have a splendid day and get to play with the otters:)

HUGS!

[cimarrondfw.livejournal.com]

What a beautiful, HEART-felt essay! Thanks for sharing so intimately. Poets have used the imagery of the heart as the seat of our feeling for eons, of course. We know almost too much about it now; some of the mystery is gone. Still we love the image. I am so glad you're a part of my life. You've added depth to it.

I know what's it's like to have lost contact with a dear friend somewhere along the line. I send good vibes his way often and can't help but believe that he, too, must sometimes think of me as well.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Perhaps, your friend will reach out one day unexpectedly, as mine has. There is always hope!

Thank you, Mike, for your kind words. Part of the expansion of my heart is being introduced to and being open to new people ... Friendships, such as ours, opens my heart to new possibilities. I have learned so much from you.

Lots of Love and HUGS!

[elfkat.livejournal.com]

Neil, I think you have a huge heart.

Hugs!

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Kat! It must be so, because there's lots of room for you there!

HUGS!

[beartech420.livejournal.com]

Neil your heart is much larger than you think.
It has conquered fear when fear attacked, your heart refuses not to love.

I know this sound nerdy/klingon but...

You have the heart of a warrior!

And nerdy/Dune...

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Big Hug!

BestRegards,
Pete

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I appreciate the words of inspiration no matter the source. I like your phrase .. "heart of a warrior" ... There are days when it feels like more like I have the heart of a decorator ... but that's not a bad thing either, is it? :)

As I launch into the second week of my new job, I'll remain the fear mantra ... I want to master this job and I can't get bogged down in the fear that I don't have the tools to succeed. I simply must learn them.

Thanks, Pete! Big HUGS!

[beartech420.livejournal.com]

I'm sure there are Klingon decorator/warriors who in a fit of pique will slice your right arm off with a Batlith for not approving their choice of paisley wall paper.

"You have dishonored my choice of COLORS, defend yourself PAHTAK!!"

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Paisley? At least it won't be horizontal stripes of varying metals .. or should it be? Hmmmm .... LOL!

[designerotter.livejournal.com]

Ages ago, when I was a kid, there was a Sunday afternoon TV show called "Wide, Wide World", hosted by (then) "Today" host Dave Garroway (I even remember the set, which was inspired). At each episode's conclusion he recited:
The world spreads out on either side,
No wider than the heart is wide;
Above the world is stretched the sky,
No higher than the soul is high.
* Peace * (Garroway's signoff)

Your post somehow reminded me of that long ago memory. I think you need never fear a small clenched heart or losing heart. Yours is always open wide because that's who you are - and I'm just new agey enough to honestly believe that your love and good will will always come back to you, reflections mirrored in the hearts of your friends, old and new. What a lucky band we are !
BIG HUGS !!!

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

So, there was a time when you had a television! :) I remember Dave Garroway, but not his words. It's a lovely sentiment! I hope to keep my heart wide open; there's been a time recently when I questioned the wisdom of that, but I'll keep taking that risk. I started to call you last night, but it was so late, I postponed. Hope you are doing well as we head into this busy week!

Hugs and Lots of Love!

oh, yes .. and *peace* :)

[scottokc.livejournal.com]

I understand. Most of my friends are elsewhere. I have had some bad experiences that left me unwilling to do anything. I went to a gay-friendly church today and was actually made to feel welcome, which was a surprise. (I'm used to the cliques in the gay community, so fully expected to be totally ignored.) I'm going to move with caution, but it's nice to at least have somewhere to go where I can be around others. It's easy to give up at times, but you just have to hang in there. Hugs!

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I was really happy to see you reach out beyond negative experiences and go to the gay-friendly church. One thing I've learned ... I don't go into any situation expecting a negative outcome, consequence or result. If we do, we often project that negativity and push others away. Sounds like you really went with an open heart. I hope this church becomes a positive resource for you.

[scottokc.livejournal.com]

It was a nice change of pace. The only problem is getting there due to the massive amount of road construction in town. Two of the people recognized me from the past. One of them was the main minister. That was sort of odd, as I'd met her only in passing a few times. She said that she'd call me this week and we'd get together to catch up.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Great! As to the construction ... Sundays should be the crews' off day, correct? It should be easier to get around.

[scottokc.livejournal.com]

There is one bridge that is completely closed, so that makes it hard. Another street is narrowed to two lanes even on Sunday. I can go on the interstate, though it's a little out of the way.

[bearfuz.livejournal.com]

You're such a sentimental fool. And that is a large part of what makes you wise.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

You're such a sentimental fool. I am that indeed and I believe it's a strength. It's born of decades of cynicism, of hiding who I was from people. I officially came out in my mid-30's, though was part of the "life" for a long time before I started letting my family in. A few years back, on a destructive path, I said enough is enough. Be yourself, be honest. Quit living in fear. So, I became the sentimental fool .. the same guy who loves having you in his life.

HUGS!

[labeartorycub.livejournal.com]

Neil, you have a grand, genuine, and generous heart, and I love you for that. HUGS

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mike! My heart hopes to live up to your generous adjectives! Lots of love to you!

[allanh.livejournal.com]

Only the uncaring fail to obsess about their hearts, emotions, and passions.

Not only be strong and confident ... be happy, my friend. You have provided more sunshine and support to me in the past year than you realize.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Allan! IMy support for you is unconditional. I appreciate your kind words.

Big HUGS!

[twillhead.livejournal.com]

What a sad and beautiful entry. It sounds very much like Walt Whitman (especially the phrase "marvelously engorged"). You have, truly, one of the most wonderful hearts I have ever had the pleasure to know. Big hugs!

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Bruce .. Back at you! We should talk this week or at least by the weekend. Are you heading out of town for the holiday? Boston to hear the symphony and see fire works on the 4th?

Big HUGS!

[icejohn2.livejournal.com]

Don't we call the whole experience "life"? There is always up and down, give and take, happiness and saddnes, of couse, love and hurt. Your life experience is as big as your heart wants to be. And you surely have a big sensitive heart, Neil.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks! What wonderfully kind words! I'm happy with my "big sensitive heart". I think it's healthy to reflect on life and how we move through it. I'm still learning and that's a good thing.

HUGS!

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Such a beautiful, thoughtful response, my friend ... I've come to accept that I won't ever close off my heart, but will endeavor to remain open to the surprises, the losses, to love if it comes my way again. Such an odd and unexpected path my brain sometimes takes me... Thanks for your words, Brett ...

Big HUGS!

[rossbear.livejournal.com]

There ya go getting all mushy on us again! LOL Have never known anyone that put so much thoughtfulness into interpersonal relationships and that cared so much. You're a sweetie!

BTW! Will you be in TX Labor Day weekend? How about lunch at Bush Intercontinental Airport? I may have a 4-hour layover returning from Fort Lauderdale.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Labor Day Weekend? I haven't decided what I'm doing for the 4th yet! :) If I can make it, of course I will. I'm hoping to see you before then anyway.

As to the post ... give me driving time and my mind wanders everywhere. LOL! In 28 years of friendship have you ever known me not to be mushy. *I didn't think so* :)

Big HUGS!