Faith, Hope and Clarity

[mrdreamjeans]

I wrote a rambling comment to the wonderful Renassance Man tonight, but have since deleted it, realizing that the post became more about my feelings and reaction to something that happened today, than a sensitive response to events in his day. Lowfatmuffin (Bob) is one of the most courageous men I've not had the pleasure to meet, but his friendship means a lot to me and I could feel his search for clarity in the words in his post. My heart reaches out to him, but I have to say with a smile,"Bob, Only you would go on a walk along a river in Boise, Idaho and meet the governor of your state!" :)

I spent last night and part of today in Houston. I attended the birthday party of a dear friend, stayed overnight with my lovely lady friends and schmoozed with them till it was time for church. I seldom go to church and talk about it less frequently. Let's just say I belong to a reconciling congregation of a Methodist church in Houston and have valued my connection to it, though I am seldom there. I've been a member of the church for sixteen years.

I decided to dress up this morning in a suit and tie. In the 1980s, we always used to dress up for services...it was a comfortable routine... made me feel like I was a young boy again and had to be all clean and nice for church:) I showed up about 10:30am, 20 minutes early, mostly to see my old roommate and another friend who attend every Sunday. They were great, but otherwise I felt like a total stranger there; didn't feel welcome...was saddened by that.

I walked into the sanctuary and the first guy I ran into bitchily says, "It must be your first day here, dressed up like you are." I replied, "Nope, I've been a member since 1988; I dress for church because I believe it's respectful and I wasn't aware shorts and tee-shirts were part of a new dress code." He sniffed and turned away. Many members of the congregation were in shorts. Now - I can see not wearing jackets, it is summer in Houston, but gym shorts? Come on!

I was disappointed by several aspects of the service ... particularly a relaxing of standards that just doesn't suit me. I used to look forward to attending my church for the camaraderie and feeling of inclusiveness before, during and after the service. My Methodist church was my introduction to a different type of Gay or Lesbian person than I met in bars.. I learned a lot about myself from exposure to this group of people.. not because of any overwhelming loyalty to organized religion. I struggle to find anything positive there. I'm even surprised that I'm writing about my Faith, as I generally avoid and dislike what I consider essentially a private spiritual matter...between me and my God/Goddess/ Gods...whatever....

I've never been one to judge anyone by the choices they make in the pursuit of the concept of faith. I would never presume that what works for me would work for someone else. I never expected my partners to believe the way I do. With the first, who was a priest, it was a more central part of our relationship; with the second, It mostly didn't come up - for him, I knew that there was more of a pagan, spiritual quality to the exploration of the concept of religion which also included the possibility of atheiesm. I was fine with that too. I believe that it is mostly how we treat and love each other that is ultimately what is most important.

Today, I was revisiting a part of my life that I value, but to which I can't return. The composition of the congregation has changed; I've changed - not only in internal ways, but I flat out don't like the politics of this church or of religion in general. I've got to re-think what my belief system really encompasses. To be criticized for being respectful and comfortable with what I bring to the table, was uncalled for. It is a disappointingly all-too-familiar scenario in supposedly inclusive, color-blind, gender-neutral, politically-correct organizations. At least in the right-wing, family-values, fundamentalist wing of the population, who the enemy is, is clear.

I told another live journal member recently that, " having struggled myself for acceptance, being innately against organized religion and knowing a lot of so-called "Christians" who use their religion as a weapon or tool of manipulation, I'm not sure that I could be objective enough to provide constructive criticism" for a conservative Christian booklet for which he was trying to provide answers...the subject was homosexuality.

I told him that I know what it is to be able to attend church among loving inclusive people who know who I fully am and not only accept it, but embrace who I am. I am going to need a bit of faith, a bit of hope and a whole lot of clarity to decide if I am telling him the truth.

Comments

[abearius.livejournal.com]

I probably fully realized that I am not the curch-going type when I got so frustrated with the gay conven in SF that I finally just bailed on Spring Equinox, preferring to turn the compost heap instead of leading services that night. One of the few verses I memorized in my teens probably anticipated that event. It is by Emily Dickinson.


Some keep the Sabbath by going to Church
I keep it by staying at home
With a sparrow for a chorister
And an orchard for a dome.

God speaks, a noted preacher,
And the sermon is never long
So instead of getting to Heaven at last
I'm going all along.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Beautiful!

Let your heart be your compass

[spaceybear.livejournal.com]

Great post. All I can say is let your heart be your compass, and let your feelings guide your way. I think and hope that somehow we all are just a little bit bound together, interconnected, and that love and acceptance is at this very core. Just a passing thought...

Re: Let your heart be your compass

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Many thanks! I know that I've moved on from attending my church on a regular basis. I think the sadness is I know that I won't substitue anything else, but my private inner spiritual beliefs. I think I'll find expression of my concept of God in nature, not in fund-raising, exclusionary worship in a building.

P.S.

[abearius.livejournal.com]

And I agree that lowfatmuffin is indeed a sparkling bend in the river.

[excessor.livejournal.com]

It might just be that you have outgrown your church. Perhaps it's best to contemplate what you learned there and consider where you might next like to Go.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

You're right. I was so cynical when I first attended the church in the mid-80s. At that time, I hadn't been to church in 15 years unless someone paid me to show up and sing. This is a church where the congregation is primarily Gay and Lesbian with a few straight elderly citizens and a few young urban couples in the mix.

It does music really well and it was a joy to sit out in the congregation and just listen to other folks' talents. The church had a strong ministry for PWAs, a dental clinic and several programs that included congregants from several other denominations. At the time I joined, the church was going through a period where at least 500 members passed away, mostly from AIDS.

There was so much good work being done... there still is... but yesterday, the focus seemed to be on fundraising for improvements in the facility; the concept of volunteerism seemed to be about recognition for good deeds done instead of the process; the air conditioning was underachieving and the minister and her associates just seemed worn out. I also think I'm feeling a bit guilty because I don't have the time or availability to be of service. I did see my old room mate and another close friend, but most everyone else were strangers.

[bruinwi.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's the end of summer, the full moon, the fact I got to bed late and woke early, but I was in a SOUR mood at church this morning, ducked downstairs to avoid the Peace, came back in and found the chair I had taken, Prayer Book in plain sight, had been taken over by the Senior Warden of the Vestry. Even tho she appologized, and was quite sincere, I just snapped up my book and left.

I don't know what I expected. One of the consequences of making yourself virtually invisible is that you get bumped into like this from time to time.

I find that I'm fitting in less and less well ever since the big flap over the Gay bishop in New Hampshire. Not that I'm facing any hostility; I'm fully out to the congregation; anyone who has any issues with me generally avoids me. There are an amazing number of people in my corner within this congregation and they've let me know I'm welcome.

I've always made inroads to a congregation thru my talents in the chior; its where my talents lie and I like to think I do a good job there. The chior here at St. Andrew's has certainly welcomed me, and I've made a definate impact here.

Still, I'm feeling less and less satisfied and I'm not entirely sure why. Yes, they're tweaking the service...again... and that irks me, but we've done trial litergies before. The clergy here is great, and I have no great bones to pick with any individuals (Well, maybe one, but he's not about to drive me out). While the music program is the weakest its been in years, the director is making plans for some solos and duets that I know are ploys to keep me around, which is as generous as it is transparent.

I'm not having a crisis of faith; more of a crisis of congregational identity.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I will think carefully about your last sentence. I think that may be the key. I have never felt at home in a church other than this one and yet, I know it is merely another manifestation of the split that I experience in my personal llife and professional life.

I am not in one place long enough to make a commitment.... my touring takes me away from home, though I am close to family and value that time; I would like to be of service, but I don't have the time to commit to rehearsals and be part of the church choir. I know I won't be in the same location every Thursday and Sunday; I say I'm in nesting mode, but take a job that puts me in 50 cities in 15 months. It all leaves me feeling vaguely unsettled and searching for answers. Thanks for the food for thought.

[gotmoof.livejournal.com]

Your notes are found inside you, not on others. Charity is found in yourself, not others. Acceptance is found inside, not in the judgement of others. Faith is found inside you; not in a church. I think I see a trend here.

Why bother with a church service you find sub-optimal, especially with the congregation being so unfriendly?

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

The decision to attend yesterday was spontaneous. You know Larry... and have heard a lot about Coy... I really wanted to see them. I knew they'd be at church. However, the tone was different from every other time I've been there. As you know, volunteers start out helping for the right reasons and then begin to care more about the recognition. I'm grieving for the intangible.... Sad for the inevitability of change.....

I guess I was disappointed that my church, which helped me find out so many thing about myself 20 years ago, had, notwithstanding their political correctness and inclusive mission, become just another church...more about money and cliques and judgement. (Remember, this is a church where I received flack for singing, "He Ain't
Heavy, He's my Brother" because I wouldn't change the lyrics to say Brother and Sister:) I told them I don't
change copyrighted lyrics.

Don't misunderstand me; only the one guy was bitchy, but it was evident I was now a stranger in my own church. I won't be going back any time soon and I have no desire to participate in organized religion elsewhere. I simply looking back at the past and yearning for what once was. I will be fine, as I rely on my interior compass for spiritual and moral guidance and take my faith once again as a private matter.

Lord save me from your followers...

[mncuddlecub.livejournal.com]

Neil, I think you know I appreciate what you're talking about ;o)

The truth of the matter is, people just plain suck. This includes me, you, and all the others who do or don't go to church. I think it's unfortunate you got treated poorly as you went to church, and it's a fear I have about my church in different ways, again, as you already know.

I do think church is important. I think it's important to have a place to go, and serve and worship the Lord with people. I think it helps us learn to love and grow. I think it is also important to have your own one on one time with God as well, but not in alternative to time with others. It's a really sad thing when one is made to feel unwelcome in the church, and this seems to be an ever increasing trend in today's day and age. Maybe you do need to find a different place to worship, but don't let what people say get you down too much, but instead treat them as you would hope to be treated... golden rule and all that :o) I know if I have to leave my church, I want to do it well, and not leave angry with anyone. And I also have to constantly ask myself, while I am looking to be accepted at my church, aren't I a member there myself, and there for, shouldn't I try to be more accepting and loving of the other peoples and their differences, as I hope they would be of me and mine (even if I think they are just being rude :o)

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm talking down to you or anything, it's really early, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm writing, but I felt it important to say something :o)

Re: Lord save me from your followers...

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Even though my church is inclusive, I am saddened that there are levels of acceptance even within those arenas. It's like the various subgroups within the Gay community. Once a sub-group becomes organized and the folks within them feel acceptance, feel like they've found a home, then the process of creating a pecking order begins. Status is important no matter the sexual identification, race or gender...whether it is acknowleged or not.

A lot of what I wrote was about a general malaise I was feeling, not specific unfriendliness. I often tune into the undercurrents of what is going on in a situation. I also must admit that my reaction was also affected by how I felt in being in the situation and not available to participate or effect change, except on a limited basis.

I haven't let what that guy said to me get me down. It just took me by surprise. My reaction was, screw you, I'm dressed like I want to be and I'm the one who looks nice:) When things take me by surprise, I examine them.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Neil,

I saw this last night was not able to post.

I know how you feel about church. It's important to belong to a church, for the comradarie, the worship and to hopefully learn something new that you may not have know or thought of before.

It's sad that some have to act like they are above everyone and if someone comes in dressed better to talk down to them for it. I often dress in a suit, or at least in a shirt and tie when I attend my little Episcopal church.

I get teased about it and generally get compliments as well, from both the straight and gay members. I'm fortunate that I belong to a heavily gay church (roughly 30%) that is more or less welcoming. If I have a bone to pick, is that were are a rather introverted church that needs to remedy that if we are to grow and expand.

But on the other hand, I see a lot of people going to church and never questioin anything. They take what is told them, lock, stock and barrel, no questions asked. They are what I like to refere as the sheep (from the Bible, "A sheep who is sheared is mute, for he not open his mouth.

Just be you and find someplace that welcomes you and who you are. Faith in and of itself helps you to grow and to hopefully ground you spiritually and emotionally etc in the face of hard times.

In the fall of 2001, I was begining to realize I needed to get back into the church for a variety of reasons and am glad I did. It's renewed my faith in God, and has helped me while I went through unemployment etc.

Anyhow, Church is a tool, not a means to an end. It's one of the ways to hopefully inspire us to live well, in our own way and not let someone dictate how we should live, in their view.

Be well Neil. Things do happen for a reason.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Interestingly enough the sermon yesterday was titled "Where is God?... He's Found in the Table Manners". I hope certain members were listening to a discussion of manners:) I question everything and I don't feel that a church is necessarily where I would go for answers, particularly since they are so politicized. As got moof and others have suggested, the answers and the strength need to come to me from within. If that comes from a place of divine inspiration, then all the better!

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

I totally agree that our faith does indeed come from within and as I may not have said very clearly is that what I think a church can do is help guide us in some ways with things to ponder.

One of the sermons from last year sometime was about how love can be messy, even our love for God is sometimes messy. Often we question God for something and I think that's as it should be. At the end of the day, he loves us no matter who we are. All he really asks is that we accept that and try to love him as best we can.

While the church doesn't offer everything, I find it's one of several ways one can go to be closer to God and to hopefully learn more about him.

Between the mid 80's and late 2001. I have not stepped inside a church on a regular basis, other than Christmas and Easter and other special occasions. But what I've found is that having a church community, to me anyway, is to help ground me, give me someplace to go and to worship but that's me. Things may change as time goes on. But it's a first step in the long journey.

Thanks

[nlotic.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting issues about faith. I'm a Bisexual bear going through a separation/divorce with my wife. In spite of the crazyness of the separation, I feel whole and content probably for the first time in my life. It's been a powerful spiritual journey in which God has not been subtle. From the children's sermon last week.."what kind of bear does God what you to be". I could give many many more examples...

I know that Bisexual, bear and Christian individually have the potential to not play well in a lot of realms let alone the combo of all three. It works for me and I would never give up any of them.

Thanks for having the courage to post about faith. It means a lot to me.

Re: Thanks

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I'm happy that you have the courage to create your own life's script and realize that you are an unique human being with footholds in three very distinct, but not necessarily exclusive communities. As long as you continue to set an example of what this can mean, there will be others who will come forward and be comfortable in similar situations. Keep the faith....Thanks for commenting. I very much appreciate your kind words.