Waking Up with a Question....

[mrdreamjeans]

I had a conversation with a dear friend of 24 years on Tuesday night. I’ll not refer to him by name in this post in deference to his privacy. My friend doesn’t read or write on live journal, but I am pondering a situation that requires sensitivity on my part and I’d like some thoughts on how to handle it.

My friend and I started out with a torrid affair which evolved into a loving friendship. It has continued through the ups and downs of two decades worth of career, family and relationship challenges and adventures. There isn’t much we don’t know about each other and share. He means the world to me....

One of the challenges is my friend’s health. He’s been HIV for at least 15 years and for most of that time, he’s been pretty healthy. He’s been fortunate in his doctors and the regimens he’s been put on. The care and meds have been expensive, but for the most part effective, and his insurance has helped a great deal with the associated costs.

We talk often, but a couple of times I’ve been taken by surprise. I was working in Europe in 1991 when I got a letter from my friend. I opened it eagerly only to find out that I had nearly lost him to an HIV-related illness. Since then, he’s not had a medical crisis, but after our most recent conversation, the fear that something will happen to him and I won’t know till after the fact, has begun to haunt me.

My friend is currently single; he is an only child; his mom is in her 80s and in poor health. The friends in his hometown who I know, are in worse health than he. I found out earlier this week that my friend was ill for several days last week due to a new regimen of meds, a new cocktail, if you will. It has been very hard on his liver. However, he is doing much better with some fine-tuning and I don’t want to portray him as worse than he is. He’s a strong and vital man....

My friend tends to be stoic when it comes to feelings. My feelings are written on my face. He is stubborn when it comes to his independence. I say independence is fine, but there’s a line that can be crossed where independence becomes crippling. We know each other well enough that we can grump at each other and it doesn’t affect our friendship. I’ve told him that if he has another medical crisis, or if his mother should pass away, to call immediately. I’ll be there. He knows I mean it. But... what if he isn’t able to call........

Would I be overstepping the boundaries of a friendship to ask my friend to give my phone numbers to his doctors and nursing staff? I know I am hundreds of miles away, that I’m not a health care professional, but I can cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, look after his mom, if something would incapacitate him.

I awakened this morning with the fear that something would happen to him and I would never know. By no means is his death imminent; I don’t mean to paint a bleak picture. I'm sure he has many more years of productive, enriching life to live. But, I'm concerned about the unexpected surprise. What if no one knew to call me and suddenly one of my dearest friends simply disappeared from my life? As I opened my eyes this morning and looked at the ceiling, my first thought was how do I make sure this doesn’t ever happen. What would you do? An inquiring heart wants to know.

Comments

[jeffinthebox.livejournal.com]

You could ask him who his emergency contact is with his doctors. If it's his mother, you may want to suggest yourself as an alternative or addition. If he has some other friend or family in that role, perhaps you can ask him to give your contact information to them.

My ex was very sick at times and I always had an up to date list of folks that he or they wanted me to call in the event something bad should happen. Thankfully, I never had to use it.

[woofytexan.livejournal.com]

I would do the same as Jeff mantioned in his reply. You are going to have to have this conversation with your friend and ask these questions. No one likes the idea of putting a timeline on our live, but your friend has been close to the door twice.
I think it would also help to reinforce in your friend just how much your friendship means to you.
You might want to also check and see if he has an executor named. If there is no executor, it is usually left up to some uncaring individual to do whatever with the physical contents that are left behind.

[bluedevilsf.livejournal.com]

Would I be overstepping the boundaries of a friendship to ask my friend to give my phone numbers to his doctors and nursing staff?

That's a tough one. My first reaction is to say, "Unequivocally, yes, it's overstepping bounds." This could go one of two ways. He may be agreeable and relieved. Or, if he's as independent as you say, take affront.

He's in charge of his life, not you. You can impart to him that you can and will be there for him and that you want to be kept informed of his health, but ultimately he has to be the one to ensure that happens. For all you know, he may have a durable power of attorney on file, naming either his mother and/or someone nearby (I'm assuming he does not live close to you), and he may have contingency plans in place to ensure he's taken care of should the need arise.

I wish I had an easier answer to this.

[canneryrowbear.livejournal.com]

I, too, support the ideas of the two men above me, jeffinthebox and woofytexan. As a person who has been HIV+ for 20+ years, the importance of having a 'team' in place is worthy of discussion with your friend. As you know, there are 'good' days, and 'not-so-good' days, whether they be emotional or physical. Your offer to provide support is commendable.
So, talk with your friend...let me know how you'd to help. Dialogue about the 'other people' that are involved in the process, as well (stepping on other peoples' toes is never good). So, just open up and tell him what you'd like to do for him...(are things like 'living wills' established yet--the documents that work to provide who shall make decisions for him, medically and otherwise, should he become incapacitated?)

[tbone1961.livejournal.com]

I can't really add any more than what's already been said. If this friendship as tight as you say, then I can't imagine him feeling anything but love and support from you for wanting to take these steps. I don't see it as overstepping boundries at all.

[ex-quietdanm235.livejournal.com]

I think your question is an excellent one that everyone should ask relating to people are important in their lives.

Clearly, you have established a friendship that has stood the test of time and asking him these questions aren't unwarranted. However, he should also ask you the same questions back, I think. What if something were to happen to you unexpectedly? How would he (or others) find out? Perhaps a way to address that subject is to offer that information relating to yourself in a proactive manner to him. Then it may not seem like you are prying into his life for private information, but rather that you have developed a connected level of trust that having each other's information will allow for greater peace of mind for both of you.

Thanks for bringing this topic to other people's attention. Gives us stuff to think about in our own lives.

Asking Me

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

You have an excellent point. Since I travel so much, a couple of years ago I put a book together with all of my pertinent data. I've listed my social security number and passport numbers; my attorney, financial commitments, investments and advisors, tax guy, credit card, mortgage and all types of account numbers, my doctors and health care provider information, where my Last Will and Testament is located and how to contact the executors of my estate (one of my exes and my brother), a listing of all of my possessions and a complete list of up-to-date phone numbers and addresses of my family and friends (some who are beneficiaries)....who are also my family.

I'm aware this seems a bit excessive (grin), but I want my loved ones to know that my preparation is one final sign of my love for them.

Re: Asking Me

[pa747sp.livejournal.com]

My initial reaction is that no-one will ever refuse the offer of help when it is offered in an appropriate manner. You know your friends best. What do you think is the way that he will be most open to receiving this offer?
I would not start off by mentioning talking to his medical team. People are rightly sensitive about the information they pass on to their doctors, and this could make him feel you are prying rather than helping.
Maybe one way to approach it is to be completely candid;
"(name), it would really help me to know that if you needed me, you would be able to get hold of me. How best can we arrange that?"

Re: Asking Me

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I will discuss it with him in terms very close to the words in your last sentences. It was never my intention to talk to my friend's medical team directly. If something happened to my friend, I was curious to know if his doctor or nurses would be the people who would make contacts; and if it would be wrong to suggest that my friend give them my information just in case.

Since I'm out of state, I'm not sure his local friends would know to contact me. Even though we are close (and most of my friends know each other or of each other), I was wondering how to stay in the loop. I will just ask him.... and reiterate how much he means to me....

[gotmoof.livejournal.com]

Knowing of whom you speak, I think if he's truly a friend he won't get upset. But I wouldn't call him up and say "Hey, put me down." Instead, I would just simply explain to him that you are worried that if something should happen to him, you wouldn't know until too late.

He may prefer to have local contacts for his care. What I would suggest is asking him if he can leave your name and number with the contacts so that you are called by his mother or friends rather than the hospital or doctors.

You can just ask him what kind of plans he has in place if something does happen. But I would not presume to ask him to place you on his contact lists by the medical team.

[ex-nashobabe711.livejournal.com]

I concur with pretty much everything that is being expressed here. These are vitally important questions to get answered, especially if they involve signing papers and establishing legal mechanisms. As you know, I went through a lot of this with my life partner recently, of questions considered but never quite actually answered --and we live in the same house.

Similarly, my perhaps longest-standing best-friend type friend in the world, Ken, called me yesterday from his home in London: two of his closest friends just died, within a week of each other, one in London and one in New York (coincidentally reducing his "inner circle" substantially. He is feeling very vulnerable at the moment.) And, strangest of all, his friend James in NY (and I WILL dig out the NYT obituary for him -- James Williams is his name -- and post it soon) departed somewhat unexpectedly, and Ken is finding himself fielding phone calls from all over the world... and he is an ocean away, and without any legal instruments to deal with some of what he is finding thrust in his lap.

The moral is: it is ALWAYS better to ask these questions, if you have them, and do something about it, while you have that freedom. The fact that your friend has such a reliable and loving friend in you is something I am sure he appreciates -- whether he chooses to "put you on the team" or not. (And, if not, hopefully, he will take the cue to get everything lined up. If he has been living with HIV for this long, your concern and questions are surely not an unpremeditated or shocking idea.

[cowboygreg.livejournal.com]

I can add little to the excellent advice you've already gotten here, except to note that your friend might be putting a stoic face on things, but deep down he'd probably be touched that somebody out there cares about him. He already knows it, sure, but we all like a little extra reinforcement from time to time. Bob's suggestion of a hand-written card instead of an e-mail is an very nice one!

Heart-felt, Thoughtful Comments

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

To all of you who have responded....many, many thanks. Your comments have given me quite a lot to think about; they are all excellent suggestions.

Those of you who know me personally, know I'm not shy about communicating my love and loyalty to you, but I have been pondering in depth the subject outlined in my post, because it is unique in my personal experience.

I'm not presumptuous enough to assume I'd be part of the "team", nor do I know all of the answers to anything. My friend does live in another state. I do know that he has legal documents/protections in place, but the real issue is my need to know (and I mean this in the most loving, unintrusive way). I want to help if asked; I don't want to do too little, too late.

I will talk to my friend and ask him to make sure that the person(s) selected to contact his loved ones in a crisis have my information and will contact me immediately. Otherwise, I'll just go on loving my friend the best I know how. (ps... I"m off to buy a card:)

IF something bad happens...

[mncuddlecub.livejournal.com]

I don't think it would hurt to ask to be put on some kind of list, or mention that you want to be notified if something bad happens. I'd probably put it a tad more tactful than "I wanna know if you die" :o) which actually I gather isn't the exact case. You just want two things; , To offer your help IF something bad happens, and/or to be notified if something bad happens (including but not limited to death).

It sounds like you have a strong enough friendship with this person that you can make this request, but then I'd say the details of how it is answered will be up to him. Seems fair to me.

My 2 cents

[wonderboynj.livejournal.com]

Well, having been on the other side of your question, I can tell you what I've done.

My best friend Petra, who is the executor of my will and my doctor's contact person, has been provided with information similiar to what you have put together.

But in there in my printed address book, I have listed who should be contacted under what circumstances. For instance - I list in case I die, if I am admitted to the hospital, etc. I did this mostly because I have met so many people now across the country through my travels and the internet and such, that nobody around here would have a clue who to call if something happened.

So you might want to say something like this. *Name* because I care about you even if you were just in the hospital with an infection, I would want to know about it so that I could be supportive of you. Whether it's just a phone call to support you or if you needed me to visit to be supportive. It would make me feel better to know that I would know what was going on. How could we be sure that happens?

If he's anything like me, he will be touched at the interest. :)

[excessor.livejournal.com]

I'm too late to add anything substantial, but I want to chime in anyway.

I face the same problem with one of my closest friends, who now lives in Connecticut. I'm really open about my fears about his help and I think he appreciates that. When I asked about how to get contact info, I hadn't anticipated that he wanted me to have the info—he just felt funny asking.

For what it's worth.

Advice

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I value your opinion and appreciate your thougthfulness. Thanks!

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

I think that you have stated your case very eloquently.

In my recent bout of hospitalization, I actually made up three different email lists of friends to notify in case something happened for Scott to use. That way Scott could compose one email for each list.

(one was for medical updates for close friends, another for acquaintances, another in case of death.

From the Heart

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Cameron! Thanks for speaking from experience and from the heart. All of the men who replied to this post were eloquent and thoughtful. I missed seeing you on livejournal, but knew that you were having a wonderful time in Boston and Montreal. I look forward to a post or two about your travels.

I had friends and acquaintances in the choruses from Seattle, Dallas, DC, Connecticut (Womens Chorus) and of course, San Francisco and Houston. The feedback was that the festival was really fun and the singing of really high quality, only marred by a Gay-bashing incident to one of the Seattle choristers.

I hope that the experience north of the border was all that you wanted it to be:) I'm glad you had a safe journey.