Might Even Have Made It
Dec. 31st, 2006 11:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mrdreamjeansI’m a sucker for a good theater biography and I just finished one; devouring it in a few hours. It’s a memoir from Kaye Ballard titled, “how i lost 10 pounds in 53 years”. The book makes a good case for how hard it is to be successful in theater and film and deftly illustrates the roller coaster ride that pursuing such a career can be. Of course, though only one book, the material spoke volumes to me:)
I want to remember two paragraphs from the end of the memoir, so I’m including them in this post. It will be a reminder to sit back and savor the good things I’ve had happen in my life and to keep that nagging devil off my shoulder, the one who often tells me I’ve not done enough, been good enough .. if only I had done this or that ... made a different choice ... Self-criticism can be healthy or it can be crippling. I’ve got to keep it on the healthy side. I also need to keep the second-guessing and hind-sighting in check.
Kaye’s words: “My career has been a cornucopia of triumphs and missteps. I suppose when you come to think of it, that is also pretty accurate as a description of most people’s lives. But in show business, I wanted to be the one. The person at the top, the one who got the big break. You know what the pisser is? What if I had that but never realized it? Maybe I was too busy looking at where the other guy had gotten to appreciate where I was.”
“Elaine Stritch asked at the end of her brilliant one-woman show, “Well, what has this all been about?” In her show, she said she was reclaiming a life she felt she had almost missed. I am “claiming” also. Claiming responsibility for a life filled with extraordinary experiences and marvelous people who I don’t want to be forgotten. The whole thing is simple. I guess I have to learn to like me. I have to be able to give myself a compliment. All alone, in the dark, I have to be able to say, “You know what, Kaye? You didn’t do so badly. In fact, you might even have made it. Congratulations.”
2006 has been one of the toughest years for my friends and acquaintances that I can remember. I know it has been for me. I am very ready to leap into 2007 with faith and hope intact. Even if I don’t sing in a show, I challenge myself to remember that my self-esteem isn’t only about talent, looks or age, but also about being a good, loyal and loving friend. Though it's sort of like one of those touchy-feely affirmations, the following words hold true .... I really am good enough .... I might even have made it! Here's to claiming a Happy New Year for ourselves!
I want to remember two paragraphs from the end of the memoir, so I’m including them in this post. It will be a reminder to sit back and savor the good things I’ve had happen in my life and to keep that nagging devil off my shoulder, the one who often tells me I’ve not done enough, been good enough .. if only I had done this or that ... made a different choice ... Self-criticism can be healthy or it can be crippling. I’ve got to keep it on the healthy side. I also need to keep the second-guessing and hind-sighting in check.
Kaye’s words: “My career has been a cornucopia of triumphs and missteps. I suppose when you come to think of it, that is also pretty accurate as a description of most people’s lives. But in show business, I wanted to be the one. The person at the top, the one who got the big break. You know what the pisser is? What if I had that but never realized it? Maybe I was too busy looking at where the other guy had gotten to appreciate where I was.”
“Elaine Stritch asked at the end of her brilliant one-woman show, “Well, what has this all been about?” In her show, she said she was reclaiming a life she felt she had almost missed. I am “claiming” also. Claiming responsibility for a life filled with extraordinary experiences and marvelous people who I don’t want to be forgotten. The whole thing is simple. I guess I have to learn to like me. I have to be able to give myself a compliment. All alone, in the dark, I have to be able to say, “You know what, Kaye? You didn’t do so badly. In fact, you might even have made it. Congratulations.”
2006 has been one of the toughest years for my friends and acquaintances that I can remember. I know it has been for me. I am very ready to leap into 2007 with faith and hope intact. Even if I don’t sing in a show, I challenge myself to remember that my self-esteem isn’t only about talent, looks or age, but also about being a good, loyal and loving friend. Though it's sort of like one of those touchy-feely affirmations, the following words hold true .... I really am good enough .... I might even have made it! Here's to claiming a Happy New Year for ourselves!
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O Kaye
Date: 2006-12-31 05:41 pm (UTC)Re: O Kaye
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Date: 2006-12-31 07:17 pm (UTC)As I'm gearing up to be jobless (thank God!) and facing the uncertainty of how long it's going to take to find a new one, I'm making a concerted effort to rev up my ability to remain positive and upbeat in the face of the unknown.
I know I can do this because I've done it before - especially when I was coming out of my hell of depression.
I learned a few years ago that I should start to like myself because hating myself was another type of hell - a hell that I held like a precious one-of-a-kind thing because I thought I wasn't the person I was supposed to be. It finally hit me that I am who I am and that's just fine. Trying to be the sweet kindly person I'd always been told that I *should* be was a huge waste of time and effort, and an endless source of self-loathing.
And once I decided that I could like myself I actually did become more caring, more observant of how my behavior affects other people. I don't claim to be sweet (Apocalypse! Apocalypse!), but I think I'm a much nicer person than I used to be when I was trying so hard.
Being so pressed lately by the monumental stress of my job and the process of leaving it, I've also got to remind myself that I learned a great deal in that job, that I accomplished a lot of very good things in that job, that I completely and unequivocally deserve a better job, with more pay and benefits and satisfaction.
I'm grateful that you posted Kaye's statement:"I have to be able to give myself a compliment." That's going to help a lot in the next few months.
Cheers! 2007's going to be a great year for me! And for you too.
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