A Ring On His Finger - The Trigger

[mrdreamjeans]

Many years ago, I was going through a very difficult time in my life, sabotaging every relationship I had. As a way of dealing with the issues, I decided to write about the trigger for them. It was the first time I opened up about this episode in my childhood and I chose to do so on Live Journal in 2005. I felt ashamed to admit what happened and those feelings came to the forefront again after all that went on this past week with the Kavanuagh confirmation hearing. I spent last week enraged. In terms of the Kavanaugh proceedings, I believe Dr. Ford. I've decided to repeat part of my story again as it became part of a life-long pattern of attraction to married men.

I was eleven years old the first time a married man approached me for sex. I was shopping with my family in a Gemco in Houston and excused myself to use the restroom. The walls of the bathroom stall were covered in explicit sexual graffiti and I was fascinated by the stories. As I was about to leave, a man came into the bathroom and caught me reading the walls of the stall. To my surprise, and petrified fascination, he moved to the urinal never breaking eye contact with me, then slowly turned around exposing himself.

I had never seen another man “excited” before, but I couldn’t look away. I’m sure he read something in my eyes that he took as permission to do what he did next. It was almost like I was in a trance, but when he took a step toward me, encouraging me to touch him, I ran. I didn’t tell my parents what happened; I just remember that suddenly I was an eleven year old with a secret... a searing image of a wedding ring wrapped around an erection.

The image haunted me. It dominated my thoughts. If the encounter itself wasn’t enough to frighten me into silence, as my parents and I continued to shop, I saw the stranger again with his wife and children in the store. He glowered at me. I felt I was to blame for what happened, that I had somehow deserved his actions toward me. This was my first sexual memory ... one of titillation, curiosity, shame and confusion. I didn't tell anyone for over 40 years; I don't remember the exact day or time, but it most definitely happened and it created a pattern of sabotaging behavior I've struggled to overcome.

Comments

[billeyler]

Yes, that would be traumatic.

[osodecanela]

Thank you for sharing this. I’m grateful you had the presence of mind to beat feet. My thoughts about someone who would sexualize an 11 y/o are even less charitable than my feelings towards my attacker. I don’t condone victimizing anyone, but there’s a huge difference between 17 and 11. I at least was of an age where I could have consented.

[mrdreamjeans]

Thank you for your kind words ... It's been tough.

[eric_mathgeek]

Hugs and love... I wish I could say it's unfathomable that anyone could do such a thing, but unfortunately it's not. I'm so sorry it happened to you.