Remember Me

There are lots of emotions coursing through me as we enter Nov. 2021. The majority of them are positive ... the greatest being gratitude ... the most welcomed is feeling loved. I have a sense of peace that has escaped me most of my life.

Since childhood, I’ve felt I’m an outsider ... keeping people at a distance ... never feeling that I was a person who would be the key to completing a circle of friendship. It definitely hampered me in my theater career; despite my success, I often didn’t feel worthy. I wrote a song many years ago where the final lines are: “I guess I’ll never know who I really am ... lost in never Neverland, a faded Pete Pan.” I never had the gift of small talk, always Mr. Serious.

I wish I understood why I felt the need to put up barriers with my colleagues. I had this rigid set of rules for professionalism; when I felt close to a fellow actor, co-worker, director, manager ... anyone in the workplace, I kept them at a distance for fear of being misunderstood ... or worse ... rejected. Nothing hurts more than having your heart stomped on.

As a manager once told me, she could be friendly with her employees, but never friends. I thought, what a lonely existence, but I never questioned the statement’s truth or the emptiness in keeping such a distance. When I worked with celebrities/ friends I perceived as more successful, I seldom could be myself; I couldn’t or didn’t understand how they might simply like me and want to be my friend, too ... like me for me. I wanted to be accepted, to be liked, but didn’t know how to connect those dots.

Every once in awhile on tour, we’d have the opportunity to have a party where there would be social dancing. I could jump on that dance floor, hold my own and feel completely free! With my theater work, I was always brutually honest in accessing my own talents; but, was I a fun peer? Not often. I was all about following the rules, holding myself to an impossible standard, remembering what I was being paid to do was a privilege. Always doubting myself while admiring others ... I was never the popular kid; rigidity as a survival tool often sucks.

But, lately life has changed. One of the pivitol moments in my life, where I perceive I began to evolve into a better human being, was being a voice for my non-verbal, self-harming, profoundly autistic, mentally-challenged nephew. It was my first experience with neuro-diversity.

What I discovered was I had a font of unexpected patience, a realization of what it means to communicate without an expected response. I worked 400 hours a month with my nephew from October 2015 to April 2017. Thank you, Ross, for teaching your uncle new ways to view the world. Sadly, compassion is disappearing; it's an undervalued trait.

The second major change in my life was adopting first Georgie, then Bella. Being responsible for another life has indeed changed my life for good. I look outward now more than inward. I think beyond me.

I’ve continued to change. I’ve never been about being negatively competitive. Yet, It’s wonderful to be freed from even the tiniest bit of jealousy and envy. I’ve moved from feeling competitive with others to simply feeling appreciation and acceptance for the wonderful opportunities I’ve earned, for the preparation and hard work I put in to be successful. Over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that many of my peers at the newspaper, in an office, sharing the stage with me, did/do appreciate my contributions, did/do consider me a valued friend and colleague. That’s a heady feeling. I sure do wish I’d felt the love sooner ... been more aware of my worth, been less hard on myself.

Now, I live in a community where my neighbors are friends. I feel the love; I feel appreciated and I’m finally able to accept I’m worthy. Today, November 1, 2021 is my second anniversary working as a Concierge in the building where I live and I’m proud to be a part of this vital 62+ community! What’s really exciting in this moment of clarity and gratitude is that I’m doing so with dreams still to be dreamed and a song in my heart.

Today, on Dio Des Muertos, this is the song in my heart - I’m remembering those I’ve loved and lost:

Remember Me

Though I have to say goodbye

Remember me

Don't let it make you cry

For ever if I'm far away

I hold you in my heart

I sing a secret song to you

Each night we are apart

Remember me

Though I have to travel far

Remember me

Each time you hear a sad guitar

Know that I'm with you

The only way that I can be

Until you're in my arms again

Remember me ...