No Safety Net

My family roots are blue collar. Until the current generation, most of my extended family worked in plants and factories; some were farmers and public workers. That history changed with my brother, sister and me. My parents, neither a college graduate, were determined that their children would have a college education. They didn’t preach their desire, but we grew up knowing the long term goal for us was a college education.

By the time I reached my junior year of high school, I was already looking at schools. A summer visit to Colorado Springs when I was 12, put the Air Force Academy on my shortlist. To attend a military academy requires a nomination from a US senator and quite a bit of red tape. Academics are scrutinized and certain courses must be taken in advance. It was the primary reason I took more science and math (not my strong suits) in high school, instead of typing. I graduated fifth in my class with a 95.65 grade average.

I was fortunate. Texas Senator, John Tower, nominated me. I followed up, submitted all of the necessary paperwork, but wasn’t too happy with the thought of spending five years in the Air Force after graduation from the academy, required for the free education. At the time, I was starting to have thoughts that I might be gay, but had not acted on it; I’ve never been particularly comfortable around men (most of my friends were/are women). Starting my post-military service work life at 27 or 28 felt a burden, not an honor.

So, when the phone call came that the nomination was confirmed, I did what any self-centered 18-year old might do. I turned the nomination down without consulting my folks. My parents were understandably upset with me. It certainly changed the dynamic of the cost of college. I canʼt say I was completely honest with my folks. How can you be when you think youʼre gay, but not certain? I wasn’t ready to to risk my familyʼs love for a feeling that was theoretical. It wasn’t a particularly smart move on my part. The Viet Nam War was still being fought and my draft number was 2!!

I had it in mind, I would attend The University of Texas in Austin and major in music and theatre. When I told my dad, he said, “Youʼre not going to that Goddamned hippie school!!!” (Remember, this was 1972 and thatʼs exactly why I wanted to attend.) I was already moving toward a more progressive point of view in my politics. At the time, Texas was overwhelmingly Blue. We were Republicans, when Republicans still had hearts and there was a moderate wing. When my folks suggested Texas A&M, I agreed to consider the school.

Prior to moving to Texas when I was 12, I had always thought I would attend Penn State, as the first member of my family to attend a major college. Penn State became out of the question, because out-of-state school wasn’t doable. I had attended a math tournament in high school at A&M, so I was familiar with the campus; A&M did have, and has, a nationally famous band and I was still playing trombone. Enrollment in college meant it was unlikely Iʼd be drafted.

I applied to A&M and was accepted. I joined the Corps of Cadets, a huge mistake for me, but not for my brother a few years later. All of my fears about being in a mostly male environment were founded. Constant hazing, a strict set of military regulations, fear I’d be attracted to one of my classmates, convinced me I should drop out of the Corps! I hated the pseudo-military environment with every ounce of my being, though I was good at it! Several of my Freshman buds were suicidal, unable to keep up their grades due to all of the distractions and nonsense around us. I spent more time helping my buddies survive academically, than I did on my own grades. I was miserable; but managed to end up with good grades after my first semester.

I lost so much weight as a Freshman, I was down to 163 lbs. In addition to the rough start at A&M, my mother, at the time, was paralyzed from the neck down having suffered a neck injury in an accident we’d been in the year before. On my first day of class, she had major surgery. My heart and head were at home with her in Houston. I started A&M as a journalism major, but one who couldn’t type. (Computers weren’t part of the equation in 1972.)

As a result, in my second semester at A&M, I dropped out of the Corps of Cadets (I had to have my parentsʼ consent) and never picked up a trombone again; I switched majors, to history from journalism; most importantly, I auditioned for the Singing Cadets, A&Mʼs all male glee club. Prior to this time, I had not sung in any group. I clumsily came out as a gay man in certain circles. I maintained two lives, one of them a secret from my family.

The story ends well. I graduated from A&M - Magna Cum Laude, second in my class in History; I auditioned and was hired for my first professional show, Texas! (an outdoor musical in Palo Duro Canyon) in the summer after my junior year. I played the lead in the first musical A&M ever produced, “Godspell” (also junior year). I sang for Nancy Reagan (a whole separate embarrassing story). A lifelong love for musical theatre was launched.

My sister and brother followed me to Aggieland. We all graduated in four years with no debt, thanks to Summer jobs, the generosity and determination of my parents, and $12-$16/ hour tuition:) My sister-in-law, one nephew and his spouse, and my niece are also Aggies, so the example Colleen, Jeff and I set continued on into another generation. I am a college graduate because my parents inspired us to fulfill their dream.

I write this story as a reminder to myself I’ve continually overcome obstacles in my way, despite a tendency to dither about solutions for a while, often seeking consensus from my friends. I’ve come to understand one’s life’s path is never clear, except in hindsight.

Iʼm a liberal, creative gay man who graduated from an historically conservative university who found comfort in the traditions. I was a trailblazer in my family, carving a completely unique path, often without a safety net. I discovered my love and aptitude for singing at a university with no music or theatre department. I’ve spent my life singing and writing, a dream I boldly announced to my parents when I was 11 years old! I remain a study in contradictions.

I will most likely go to my grave trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up ... and thatʼs ok ... There was a reason in 2003 I named this journal “Dreams in a Drawer”. Most of the time, the drawers are tidy and organized; sometimes, they’re messy and chaotic. But, the drawers remain full of dreams.