When Sleep Changes
Oct. 10th, 2017 04:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mrdreamjeansLately, I’ve been quite restless and sleep hasn’t been easy to come by. When I decided to retire, within days, my body clock reset itself to a theater schedule. I usually fall asleep between 1 and 2am and get up between 9 and 10am. For much of my adult working life, this is what felt most natural.
I can, when needed, turn my body clock around for stretches of time; it doesn’t come naturally; I have to plan to wake up early. Prior to sleep, I tell myself when I want to wake up and I usually do within minutes of the time I decided upon.
A couple of things have changed. Firstly, I can’t quite shake the feeling that I’m not doing enough with my life. This may stem from working 400 hours a month for the past two years in service to my nephew to the decision to move back to Minneapolis and retire - 400 to 0 hours since mid-April this year. I am anxious about money; but, that can’t just be the reason. I’ve been anxious about income most of my working life.
It feels (a specific word choice) as if time is flying by so much faster than when I was younger. I’ve become painfully aware that some of my lifelong dreams have not been achieved, that my journey is a singular one and I can’t rely on anyone else to financially survive and thrive. Do I have the time, stamina and means to achieve my dreams? I think about this a lot.
I dream often and vividly. Recently, the dreams have focused on friends and loved ones who are gone. I visit places in these dreams where I worked or performed; part of my subconscious registers a sadness, not just for past triumphs or trials, or missing the people in the dreams, but for lost opportunities. I know I cannot change the past, but I am hoping a clue/path/direction to my future comes through these detailed dreams. I see no purpose to wallow in regrets ...
Last night in my dreams, I visited with my parents, newspaper editor and mentor/friend Wilma and with deceased friends from a couple of my show tours. It was so good to see them; yet, it was painful waking up to losses that felt fresh. I can’t shake the feeling I am supposed to be learning something from these nocturnal visits. Heck! Last week, I dreamed I was helping Angela Lansbury (whom I’ve never met) as Jessica Fletcher solve a murder mystery set backstage at a musical. That dream was a doozy!
On a different note, I’m finding it increasingly uncomfortable to have covers over me at bedtime. I may be cold; but, the covers feel like they weigh more (not a reality). I sleep on top of my bedding till the temperature is so cool, I must cover up. I’m not sure what that’s about, but it’s a physical reality. I’m under and out of the covers multiple times a night before I finally fall asleep.
I remember my Dad and grandparents being fine with four hours of sleep a night. I’ve also read that as we age, we require less sleep. I’m often getting 8-10 hours of sleep a night, but ultimately feeling less rested. I’m so busy while dreaming, it seems I’m more active while asleep than awake. As the original and current tagline to my journal says, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.” I’m curious if others are living the life you've imagined and what you've experienced when sleep changes.
I can, when needed, turn my body clock around for stretches of time; it doesn’t come naturally; I have to plan to wake up early. Prior to sleep, I tell myself when I want to wake up and I usually do within minutes of the time I decided upon.
A couple of things have changed. Firstly, I can’t quite shake the feeling that I’m not doing enough with my life. This may stem from working 400 hours a month for the past two years in service to my nephew to the decision to move back to Minneapolis and retire - 400 to 0 hours since mid-April this year. I am anxious about money; but, that can’t just be the reason. I’ve been anxious about income most of my working life.
It feels (a specific word choice) as if time is flying by so much faster than when I was younger. I’ve become painfully aware that some of my lifelong dreams have not been achieved, that my journey is a singular one and I can’t rely on anyone else to financially survive and thrive. Do I have the time, stamina and means to achieve my dreams? I think about this a lot.
I dream often and vividly. Recently, the dreams have focused on friends and loved ones who are gone. I visit places in these dreams where I worked or performed; part of my subconscious registers a sadness, not just for past triumphs or trials, or missing the people in the dreams, but for lost opportunities. I know I cannot change the past, but I am hoping a clue/path/direction to my future comes through these detailed dreams. I see no purpose to wallow in regrets ...
Last night in my dreams, I visited with my parents, newspaper editor and mentor/friend Wilma and with deceased friends from a couple of my show tours. It was so good to see them; yet, it was painful waking up to losses that felt fresh. I can’t shake the feeling I am supposed to be learning something from these nocturnal visits. Heck! Last week, I dreamed I was helping Angela Lansbury (whom I’ve never met) as Jessica Fletcher solve a murder mystery set backstage at a musical. That dream was a doozy!
On a different note, I’m finding it increasingly uncomfortable to have covers over me at bedtime. I may be cold; but, the covers feel like they weigh more (not a reality). I sleep on top of my bedding till the temperature is so cool, I must cover up. I’m not sure what that’s about, but it’s a physical reality. I’m under and out of the covers multiple times a night before I finally fall asleep.
I remember my Dad and grandparents being fine with four hours of sleep a night. I’ve also read that as we age, we require less sleep. I’m often getting 8-10 hours of sleep a night, but ultimately feeling less rested. I’m so busy while dreaming, it seems I’m more active while asleep than awake. As the original and current tagline to my journal says, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.” I’m curious if others are living the life you've imagined and what you've experienced when sleep changes.
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La Recherche du Temps Perdu
Date: 2017-10-11 06:33 am (UTC)Young people can create new life-paths out of bits and pieces of their past. We can too, in some circumstances. But we don't have the same energy, and certainly not the same time, that younger people do. So in a very real sense, our options are more limited.
There is a strong desire for a life that reaches a pinnacle and then settles into some kind of happy golden retirement. TV commercials promote it. But I don't think old age will be like that for me. I think it will be messy. Life is messy, and death, if it comes slowly from deterioration and disease, will be messier. But we can keep our resilience, the detachment that comes from our experience, and if we are lucky, our wisdom. That is the challenge now, for most of us, I think.
Perhaps you would find some comfort in writing about the past? In fiction, you can still take the elements of your history and recombine them into new long-term stories.
Re: La Recherche du Temps Perdu
Date: 2017-11-02 09:56 pm (UTC)