Where have all the women gone?

[mrdreamjeans]

My title is mostly tongue-in-cheek, but it brings up a topic that I discussed with another LJ friend a couple of months ago. I've been delighted to have a baker's dozen of women as my friends on Live Journal. I like having diversity of thought, opinion, reaction, sensibility in my blog ... find that my women friends offer distinct points of view that enrich the experience of making meaningful connections through our writing. Even within my female friends on LJ, there is diversity ... a range of age, experience and identification ... straight, lesbian and bi ... that delights and enlightens me.

One of my gay male LJ friends, who I don't know well, wrote that he didn't have women in his life in any significant way ... pondered why so many gay men seemed to have close connections to women. I responded that I genuinely like women. I enjoy their company. I'm emotionally in tune with them. I am close to several women, too many singer/actress friends to mention. I am blessed with dynamic and loving women in my life, both straight and lesbian.

In my inner most circle of friends, I have five gay men, one straight man, two lesbians and two straight women ... I didn't consciously pick them for diversity ... and of course, the definition of "inner most" is entirely subjective. I am close to my sister, niece and mother. I'm not happy living in a gay-male-bear-centric bubble. In fairness, many of the lesbians I know tend to exclude gay men from their lives; sometimes, I've been the only "approved" man in their circle:) Not sure why, but so be it.

Many men do want to live a gay male centric life and that's fine, but I often don't fit in with them comfortably. I must admit, I don't understand men who genuinely don't like women. There are folks of all genders that each of us likes or dislikes, but I don't take a look at anyone and dismiss them as potential friend simply because of gender. I am creative, empathetic, right-brained ... I wonder if that's a factor in how I relate to women.

Of the baker's dozen of women on my friend's list, about half still actively write or comment on Live Journal. I read everything they write. As in the general population, most now have a Facebook account and I don't often see posts from them on LJ. For me, the continual feed on FB really makes it difficult to stay in touch. With LJ, I can go to their blogs, read, savor and respond to their posts when I am able to.

So, I ask my friends ... separate from your partners ... If you're male, what role do women ... straight or lesbian ... play in your life? Do you have close friendships with women? What do those friendships mean to you? If you're female, what role do men, gay or straight, play in your lives? Do you have close friendships with men? What do those friendships mean to you?

I am going to leave this post open, so that men and women you might know, also have an opportunity to offer their points of view.

Comments

[billeyler.livejournal.com]

It is an interesting question.

My closest female relationship growing up was with the mother of my best friend in high school. Certainly not sexual in any way, Ellie was my mentor. She taught me how to drive, how to tie a tie, how to interact with people. She encouraged me to grow out of the shy adolescent and face the world. We talked in more depth about life and the world then I did with anyone else. Her death when I was married and 24 affected me more than any other death I've had in my life.

Friendships with older women seems to have followed me, possibly from that early relationship. I trust older women intellectually, where men have always been at arms length for me. I've had male friendship, but there is always the element of tease and fun that's not really there with the femail relationships.

The flip side of that is that I also am frustrated by what I perceive as the jekyll and hyde part of women. That came from dealing with the day-to-day emotions of women in an office environment. Every morning was a challenge, not knowing if the women in the office would be friendly and pleasant or a mess of angst and unpleasantness. Men, I didn't have that issue with. If I said "Hi" to men in the mornings, I'd get the same "Hi" back with no drama.

Women that are my peers I enjoy hanging around with, especially Lesbians. I'm not sure I always fit with the crowd, but since there is no sexual drama with women for me, it makes is okay (unless it slides into the 'office drama' type thing.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I had an Ellie in my life. Her name was Dora and she passed away 12 years ago at the age of 80. She was the first straight person I knew who could have cared less if I was gay, loved me unconditionally. Also, she was just a hoot to be around. I learned a lot from knowing and loving her ...

I am working on not keeping men at arms length. In the past, I haven't known how to get past the have sex first, then get a name, progression of knowing another gay man. I'm figuring it out, slowly, but surely. LJ has helped me with that.

I do have one leasing consultant who is all over the place emotionally. We recently had to have a "come to Jesus" meeting about her behavior and how it affects everyone in the office. I told her if she came in again, was a bitch to the other people and couldn't focus on her work, that she would be asked to go home without pay. Our boss is a woman and suggested this as a solution.

[billeyler.livejournal.com]

Yay for the latter comment on a 'solution' to the emotional choas from that one employee. And we all know that if a man had suggested the solution, he would have been branded a misogynist.

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

From day one, I have been very fair, even handed and collaborative. The use of the word "bitch" comes from the woman in question who openly acknowledged her behavior and used it to describe herself.